Relationship: Girlfriend/partner (deceased)

How long:  I had known her since about June 2012 (online perhaps before then), and we started dating in February 2013.  She passed away on August 4th, 2013.

How we met originally:  She was one of the hosts for Polystrip 2012 and I had been, for lack of a better term, heckling the hosts for the show before then.  I got volunteered because of my vocalness to be the first person on the Meat Market (dating thingy).  She asked me questions about what I wanted out a person and I stuttered, because, at the time, I wasn’t really looking for anyone to date.  When I was asked about age range, I had no idea how to answer, so I think I put a cap of 32, to which she replied that that was too bad.  I said something about making an exception for the right person.  I am glad that I did make that exception.

What I liked: Her smile, kindness, general optimism, openness, and masochism.

What I didn’t like: Other than answering the obvious (she died too early), I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to answer this question objectively.

What our relationship was like:  It was still very new, so full of light and excitement.  I know, from how she acted and what her other partners have told me, that she was so full of love and energy for me and that makes me happy.  I am glad that I got over my chicken-shitedness and managed to tell her that I loved her (right at the end of a Doctor Who burlesque show she and Raven and I were attending), but I will always regret that that was only a week before her death when I felt it so much earlier.  I am certainly glad I didn’t wait until she was going to say it when she was going to give me a present, because she never had the opportunity to give it to me — I only got it from Raven about a month ago.  She was planning a life with me and I found myself loved and included in a very special way by that action.  I would have loved to have the opportunity to have a wedding or a commitment ceremony with this woman, honoring that unique and precious bond.

What I have learned from this relationship:  Never be afraid to tell someone that you love them because if you don’t, you may regret it later.  Act out of kindness and always be loving to those around you, even when they irk you.  It was through falling in love with this woman that I reinforced my queer identity — not bi or pan, but queer.  Be open about what you want; you won’t get it any other way.  That I am truly a sadomasochist — I love sadism and masochism for entirely different reasons.  That sex can be amazing, even if I am just giving and not being touched at all.

Random tidbits:  We shared a love of Doctor Who.  I attended her wedding with Raven and I felt very happy and compersionate and nothing else.  After her passing, I put aside my plans for a tattoo that I had been thinking about for a long while to get the next tattoo she was going to get (a circle of rainbow hearts — shown after this paragraph).  I found out with her how really amazing fisting can be for the fister; being female it was the first time I got to penetrate a partner with a very touch sensitive portion of my anatomy, feel their heartbeat, feel encompassed by them and it was astonishingly satisfying.  We never really had a first date — the closest was an afternoon where we had lunch at The Armory and spent time at the SciFi Museum in downtown Seattle, but we had been together for a couple months at that point.