Where I Want To Grow

I have had a lot of time to think about where I am at and where I want to be in polyland over the last few months.

I am a poly person, who, to the outside world, looks monogamous because I only have one partner.  Even more conformist, he’s male.  So I look heterosexual and monogamous.  Hmmm…

I want to, at some point in the future, have more partners.  I don’t think this will happen in the next six months to a year, mostly because I need that time to put myself back together and having the stability of sticking to existing relationships will be necessary to do that.  I am very glad that Trydaen is in the picture; he can be a good leaning post when I need one and I love growing from him and with him.

I want to take this opportunity to explore those aspects of my sexuality beyond what I have experience with.  I want to build on my voyeurism, watch people loving and fucking and playing, feel how satisfying it can be for me without even being sexed.  I want to build on the big/little aspect of my relationship with Trydaen, because I think that has the possibility of going interesting places.  I want to learn how to be a rope and flogging top, and spend more time in my dominant headspace – it is very confidence building.  I want to spend more times in groups.  I want to kiss, makeout, and touch more people without the expectation that it will lead to sex of any kind, but be more okay with talking to Trydaen when I think I want it to go there.

I want to work on being a more loving and open person, being able to express clearly and without hesitation what I want in any given situation. I want to write more, to put more thoughts down on digital paper, to share more of what I am thinking with the rest of the world.  I want to be able to take more time for myself when I need it and remember to nurture my relationship with myself.  I want to think more carefully through the defense mechanisms, alterations to my behavior, and ways I think about the world because of my disabilities, and remember not to use my disabilities as excuses, only possible explanations.

I want to travel, to pay my own way around the world, starting small and expanding further and further the more opportunities I have to do so.  I especially want to travel with people I love, and if the only person available that I love is me, then to be okay with that.

I want to grow, love, fuck, travel, and learn.  What more could a person ask for?

2 thoughts on “Where I Want To Grow

  1. “I want to work on being a more loving and open person, being able to express clearly and without hesitation what I want in any given situation.”

    Yeah, I need to work on that too. It’s made more complicated by my tendency to shy (read: run very fast) away from other peoples’ boundaries for fear I might make a misstep—even if those boundaries are just in my head. The fearless and fearful are always doing battle.

If you like it, tell me why. If you don't, tell me why.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s