It’s Not All About The Sex, but…

NSFW.  I do not intend for this to be pornographic, per se, but hey, I liked it, so if you do good for you.

As the tag line of one of my favorite poly podcasts goes, poly isn’t all about the sex.  But sometimes that is a bonus part of it.

Overall, I value a diversity of sexual partners, for each of them has unique skills, characteristics, and personalities to bring to the table.  At some points in time I will value the familiarity of a certain partner over the acquiring of new experiences.  It can be comforting to have someone who knows what I like and to have a rough idea how things are going to go with them.  Sometimes I like the novelty, seeking out the new experiences and people over the familiar – there’s a certain thrill to learning about someone and what makes them tick sexually all over again.  In the middle, which seems to be currently my state of mind, I like branching out from the familiar, seeking new dynamics, new experiences that I would not necessarily have with a central partner, but having that familiarity behind me, supporting me in a sense, to grow and travel.

Sometimes these correspond with relationship stages.  Generally I seek novelty over anything else when I have no one else, or my partner is beginning a relationship elsewhere and I am not the recipient of a majority of their attention.  I seek familiarity when I have no one else, when I am in a brand new other relationship (a desire to strengthen the original one(s) before I drift into NRE, I think), and when I am having issues with another relationship.  I spend most of my time in the middle, leaning to one side or the other generally.  I know I am in the middle right now because I know that I am still not emotionally strong enough to out and out pursue new things to their fullest extent, but I am curious enough about what’s out there to poke at new opportunities over the short term, but perhaps not pursue them to the furthest degree.

There are certain things I am more likely to want to pursue at any given time.  If I am in relationships with mostly men, I am more likely to pursue opportunities with women – it is due to no fault on the part of my male partners, but there are certain things about play and sex with women that cannot be obtained through sex with men – opportunities for breast play (yes, men have breasts, but much less so), vaginal fisting/fingering (not so if that particular man has a vagina, but so far none of my male partners have), double penetration, and there is something very different about mens’ and womens’ skins – there’s a softness to women’s skins (in general) that is very pleasing.

If am in relationships with mostly vanilla people, I am more likely to want to pursue my kinky interests.  If I am in relationships with mostly masochistic/bottoming people, then I am going to want to pursue opportunities to appease my own masochistic/bottoming desires.  Vice versa goes for sadistic/topping.

I am am not sure whether this is the same for other pansexual/bisexual switchy people, but after a time of not being able to engage with a side of my desires (or not being able to engage enough) – men, women, sadism/topping, masochism/bottoming, I tend to feel an emptiness that cannot be filled otherwise, a lack of a certain kind of dynamic or energy.

Polyamory gives me the opportunity to pursue what I want/need to fill me – love, sex, kinky play, whatever it is, while retaining stability and familiarity, with the informed consent of all involved.  And that makes me happy.

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