When I was younger I never really had regrets. I had the life I wanted, or so close an approximation that it didn’t really matter. A little more than four months ago, I found all the regrets I didn’t have and they came out.
Regrets are a series of rabbit holes – if you go too far in, you may never return. Even a tiny bit in and once you return, you will be forever changed. I have learned, as an adult, what it is like to have regrets, and it feels very adult, very old. I had/have to learn how to live with them, without them consuming me, and trust me, there are days where they invade my every spare moment.
Spare me some time to go down the rabbit hole:
- I regret that I didn’t spend more time with my Minx.
- I regret that I didn’t tell her that I loved her as soon as I felt it.
- I regret that I didn’t go out to the last party she ever went to.
- I regret not being able to do so many things with her: dates, camping, anniversaries, planting a garden at her house in the spring, spend weekends in bed – laughing and loving, committing myself to her formally, among so many other seemingly small things.
- I regret not ever getting to introduce her to my parents.
Some of this is mixed with depression, with things I will never get to do with her again, to see with her again, but that, there is nothing for that. Maybe time. Not sure.
What I don’t regret (my path out of the holes):
- I don’t regret meeting her or falling in love with her.
- I don’t regret the idea or practice of polyamory, the realization of multiple loves which brought us into each others’ lives.
- I don’t regret the people I’ve met because of her.
- I don’t regret the love that she brought into my life.
- I don’t, not for one second, regret telling her that I loved her, even though I only got to say it for one week.
- I don’t regret calling Trydaen, asking him if he could drive me back from the hospital. I don’t regret leaning on him, even if he does not understand why.
What I am grateful for:
- The memories of love and laughter.
- The bonds that we created – I truly believe that, in a way, they go beyond the grave.
- Having such wonderful metamours and chosen family.
- Having such a wonderful partner to lean on when I needed it most.
- I am grateful for the chance I had to fall in love.
- Her smile. I will carry it with me until the day I die.