28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 25

25: How do you feel about the portrayal of non-monogamy in the media?

I am encouraged by the portrayal of non-monogamy in the media.  In the time I have actively identified as polyamorous (not including the time I have been practicing non-monogamy but not identifying as such) the number of poly people showing in the media and the number of poly stories in the mainstream media has probably trebled, if not more.

However, most of these people are young, white, good-looking, richer people and I don’t like that very much.  This tends to represent poly as something that only that sort of people can do, which irks me to no end.  Poly could do with more diversity for sure, and we’re not going to get any if people think it’s only for certain specified, privileged groups.

As for swinging (the other big non-monogamy group) they are stereotyped as basically the same as poly, except slightly less good-looking and older.  Which tends to be discouraging for younger swingers.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge 17-24

Yeah, I got distracted by life this last week, so here’s the combined answers.

17. How do you experience love?

In a complicated way.

What used to be the best indicator to me of romantic love was: “Do I acknowledge this person as a person wholly separate from myself?”. Which is a way difficult thing to do.  After a long while, I realized that this is actually a good standard for all sorts of love, not just romantic.

In day to day life, I generally experience love as a sense of importance in someone’s life and of affection for them (in some way).  If I don’t feel like I’m important to someone’s life experiences, then I tend to be doubtful of their love.

18. Do you think non-monogamy is more natural than monogamy?

No.  I think they’re both social constructs and as long as you choose with informed consent, neither is more natural than the other.  Which is why I have a bit of a bone to pick with poly-supremacists who say that non-monogamy is better because it is more natural.

19. Are you currently looking for any more relationships?

Not super actively.  If something comes along and I think it might go somewhere, I’m definitely willing and, I think, emotionally able, to give it a shot.

I keep my OkCupid profile fairly up to date and visit it regularly.

20. What would your ideal relationships be?

I’d love to have a stable triad or quad that lived together/nearby.

21. Do you want to live with one or more of your partners?

Yes, I want to live with my current partner at some point in the next few years.  We’ve discussed this a number of times, as it was, for awhile, something I didn’t want to do (due to a poor experience living with a former partner).  Things are not quite in motion, but it is an active discussion.

22. How do your desires about having children fit with your non-monogamy?

Fairly well, actually, especially if I end up in a long term relationship with a woman who wants to bear children.

I do want to be a parent, as I think I have plenty that I can contribute to a child’s life, but I do not have any desire whatsoever to give birth.

23. Are you out about being non-monogamous?

Partially.  To most friends from after high school and to my immediate family (parents and sister).  Not at work or to my extended family, because I don’t think it’s any of their business.

24. What’s your favorite book about non-monogamy?

More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.


28 Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 16

Day 16: How do you feel about compersion?

Worth noting, for starters, that WordPress’s spell check does not recognize it as a word – worth changing, I think.

I find compersion to be a lovely concept.  It is a fantastic thing – an ideal worth striving for, and it has been such a warm and fuzzy feeling when I have felt it.

However, I think that a lot of people make much more of compersion than is necessary – they hold it up as a thing that all people should want and I think that can be harmful for those relationships that it will simply never happen for.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 15

Day 15: How do you feel about jealousy?

I find that it is complicated.

Jealousy/envy are natural – if we deny this, then we run the risk of alienating all the people who are interested in non-nonogamy, but who are scared.  However, this didn’t mean that we should not examine it – we should think about why we feel a particular way, examine why this is happening in our heads.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 14

Day 14: What do you want to end this series of questions on?

I have no idea what they mean by this question?

If they want to know what I think I’m going to get out of doing this series of questions – then the answer is hopefully more insight into how I view/practice poly.  Also it’s just a good way to prompt me into writing again.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 13

Day 13: What would you like to say to people?

I’m assuming this question is specifically about non-monogamy.

I would like them to know how normal it really can be – most of everyday life is the same – wake up by yourself or with someone else you care about, go to work, do anything social after work, make/have dinner with family, then go to bed and do it all over again.  Just sometimes the people you wake up with, do social things with, have dinner with, and go to bed with are different people.

Yes, sometimes I go to sexy parties by myself, but that’s because that makes me happy.  Other people can do the same thing or choose not to go if that’s not their thing.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 12

Day 12: What’s your favorite blog or site related to non-monogamy?

This is a difficult one.

I love the Polyamorous Misanthrope, but they don’t update too often.

Locally, I like Seattle Poly Chick (occasionally NSFW) and one written by a former metamour of mine, that I will link when I can find the link I use.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 11

Day 11: What’s the stupidest argument or comment you’ve heard about non-monogamy?

That men are meant to have multiple partners because they make lots of sperm and women are meant to be monogamous because they make a limited number of eggs.

So, men with low sperm counts are meant to be monogamous?  Or women who produce sperm are meant to be non-monogamous?  Or people who are sterile should not never have relationships?  Letting gametes dictate relationship styles makes no sense.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 10

Day 10: What involvement have you had with non-monogamy groups or organizations?

I am mostly involved online in discussion groups.

I do a little bit of socializing with the online groups offline, but the big groups can be a bit intimidating to me.


28 Day Non-Monogamy Challenge Day 9

Day 9: What’s your view on group sex?

Very fun to watch.  As a voyeur, this is very much my cup of tea.

I am a little more hesitant to participate, but it takes warm up and comfort with the scenario and the people involved – as well as well arranged negotiation regarding safe-sex.

Suffice it to say, my opportunities for more than one-on-one sex are limited and sometimes I’m okay with that, and sometimes I want more.