If you want a good example of how my brain works, especially with anxiety, let me show you a glimpse from a recent post I made in response to a subject on Facebook.  The original poster is worried about kids – whether she should keep trying to have them biologically, try adoption, what have you, especially with time running out and finances being an issue and is wondering about other people’s experiences with the subject.

I have added some to my original post because I have had more thoughts about it.  Added portions are italicized.

“I don’t know either.  I know my parents would love to be grandparents.  I think I might even be a good parent.  I know that if I needed a support system, mine is extensive and loving.  I think
that if I ever wanted to do it biologically I might even have a volunteer or two to father them. 
But I have doubts.

What if I pass on my mental and physical illness to biological children? Granted, they are not severe, nor super expensive, but I worry.  I worry that it is not responsible for me to be bringing
someone into the world with the extra burden of those illnesses.  But people do it all the time.

What if my mysterious fatigue issues get worse and I cannot properly care for a child? I am a spoonie, this is a huge concern for me.  I would have to learn how to manage those spoons better and figure out how to give in to the days that just don’t work without compromising my
ability to parent.  I feel like I cannot put that on anyone else.

What if I cannot find a better paying job?  I love the job I am at, but long term, I don’t know. Mine is enough for me to live paycheck to paycheck with my medical bills, but kids are

What if my partners leave me?  I am not married to either of them legally and I would be supporting a kid on my own, at least financially.

If I decide that I want to do an adoption, what if I get turned down because of my relationship status, either because I’m legally single or because of my partner-status?  Or because I don’t make enough money?  Or the whole process just gets to be more than I can take and I just
throw in the towel?

But in spite of all that, my biological clock is poking at me, saying ‘maybe we can make it work, somehow?’.  Now, I can certainly think of ways that might work, or at least ways to make the
burden easier, but it is a balancing act.  How much compromise with my other life goals can I allow to make this possible?  What can I put on hold, perhaps indefinitely, to make this work? 
And that is a tangled mess.

I know I still have time to decide, as my mother had my sister and me in her mid-30s without any problems, short of ones that would have been problems ten years earlier anyways.

But yeah, it’s not easy.”

Afterwards I talked to Raven – I had remembered talking to him and Minx a long time ago about this, in fact the last time I had considered the idea in any seriousness.  I had been expressing my hesitations about the idea from a social perspective – I just didn’t know if it was something I would be any good at.  They had both expressed opinions to the contrary and, for some reason, I had never asked why.  Until now.  Obviously too late to ask Minx, but Raven I did.

He expressed a confidence in me and my abilities that I have no doubt was genuine, but it is amazing how much we don’t see the great things in ourselves, just the downers.


Different Love

The idea in poly that we could love people the same is rather silly.  I do not love anyone the same as anyone else.

I love my parents because I honestly believe that they did the best job they knew how to do to raise my sister and me.  They have been supportive even when they had no idea how to handle an introverted bi poly kid.  I appreciate that.  They have both tried to have an adult relationship with my sister and I and respect, generally, that they raised two very independent minded children.

I emphatically love some of my friends.  It’s mostly because they’ve been around when I’ve needed people around and chose to stay in my life and bond with me.  Some of them I want to have sex with, some I’d consider, some I have.  It may have an effect on how I love them.  It may not.  I’m not sure,  and for each it is different.

I love Grey Sky.  I fell in love with him (for lack of a more preferred pronoun) very early on in things, not sure why so early, may be a matter of leaving my heart open.  He is very sweet and I know he tries to be the best partner he can, given the limited opportunities to physically express it.  Grey Sky gives me ammunition to love myself and in doing so, is far more lovable.  I want to convey  that to him – whatever he brings to the table, I will love him for it.  I want to grow my Dom/top self with him, give him chances to know a part of me that I don’t often show.  And I hope he feels comfortable enough to show the same.

I have been with Trydaen for near on four years.  My love for him has blossomed and metamorphosed through that time.  I love him because he folded himself into my life very well,  because he gives me new mysteries every day, because he chose to stick with me even when it was not an easy thing to do, because he touches me even when that is not an easy/comfortable thing for him to do.  We both are strong-willed, so when we fight, we really do, but it never escalates into abusive patterns.  I like that he is willing to stand up to me.


Being a GQ lady

Yeah, I still love the term lady and will continue to use it, despite no longer identifying as the gender that term traditionally belongs to.  Because I want to.  And that’s really what it comes down to.

I’ve halfway joked that my gender should be “Because I Want To”.  I dress in jeans almost every day because I want to.  I wear dresses on fancy occasions, because I want to.  I take naked pictures and share them with friends.   Naked pictures showing a body that looks traditionally female.   Because I want to.  I’ve got a number of piercings.   Because I wanted to.  I crave the day I have the money to get a tailored suit.  Because I want one.

I don’t have any issues with being read as female.  But that’s only because I am in little danger from being so.

I love my men.  I would hate to see them hurt.  But the world does not look kindly on men with feminine sides.  So I have privilege in this regard – I can express that without being dissed or looked down upon.  So booo…

Don’t know where else I was going with this, so I’ll stop there.