Trusting Wishes

Is nothing
Without trust.
Do you
Trust Me?

To rip a hole in you
To help you
Discover you
And then to help
Put you back together

To be the sweet
The sour
The bitter
Taste in your mouth
And through many kisses,

To fail sometimes
To fall down
But then
Through love and grace
Pick myself back up

I wish you did….


My anchor

Trydaen is my anchor partner.  In a few short days we will have been together four years.  Considering I’ve never made it past three before, this leads me to pondering what is different with this one?


I call him my anchor because that’s the term that fits best for me – he has been who I can go back to and cry to when times are rough with my other relationships, who keeps me from becoming unhinged, who challenges me to be a better and kinder person.  This is not to say he is without faults, because that is, like with everyone, not true.  He can make me so mad when he tries to out-stubborn me or raises his voice at me.
Our relationship started out, like most do, with a period of great passion and chemistry.  For me that lasted a long time.  But what happened then is what I think matters more to the big question.  We figured out how to live with each other’s faults and how to negotiate with each other.  And this has been an ongoing process.
Of the many times I’ve asked why he loves me, I’ve never gotten an answer.  He says he doesn’t know why, just that he does.  Recently the question has become “I’ve been/am a depressed mess.  Why are you still with me?”  The answer is always something along the lines of: Because you make me happy far more often than not.  The one that truly touched me was that he said he misses me when I do not stay with him.  After four years, I think that might mean more to me than “I love you”. 


Processing out of love


Warning:  This is a lot of brain spillage, just getting my thoughts out at this point in time.  It does not necessarily represent my feelings in the future.

Here is the truth – I don’t know what happened here with Grey Sky.

I don’t know why I only got four days to process, to have an opinion of the situation – one that did change over that time, and would have, I suspect, been satisfactory if I’d had the chance to present the final edition – but I did not get that chance.

See my post on Reddit here, trying to figure out how to resolve things.

I do not know why I was punished for doing as I promised – being honest about my feelings.

I do not know what went on in his head.  I do not know why he didn’t think to talk to me in the middle of things, so I could help sort things out, rather than at the end.  It sounds a bit like I’m trying to say this retroactively, to make it sound like I am a better person than it might otherwise appear, but I did actually come to the conclusion that I could be okay with the situation as is.

But here’s the thing – I know I did ask a lot at the beginning – time that wasn’t available, especially.  But it was only ever a problem at the very beginning and once when plans were cancelled last minute.  I am afraid that light-hearted teasing about the subject was taken far more seriously than it was intended.

When the conversation was good, when we talked – one or two days for in person visiting was just fine.  Trydaen is my anchor partner and I enjoy spending most of my free partner time with him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get attached to the notion of spending time with others who seem to genuinely enjoy me for me, especially comfortable time in home settings.

I could choose to be vindictive, to strike out physically or emotionally.

But I don’t have it in me – I didn’t have it in me to bad-mouth Asa, to reveal their faults, then or now, because there’s a history there that I wanted to value.  So I made my discomfort with the situation seem to be about my feelings, rather than about any real concerns with her, to the extent of masking them.  I don’t know whether this was a mistake on my part.

I know that at some point in time Grey Sky cared for and trusted me enough to reveal some secrets, some more hidden things.  I want him to know that these are safe with me, regardless of what our relationship status is – I have no desire to strike out in fear or sadness.  To him I say – if you do not choose to do the same, I can’t say I would feel good about it, but there is nothing there that I cannot deal with the world knowing.  I hope he does not choose to, out of malice or any other reason – I trust that this will never come up.

To address what came up, I would have to know what went into it.  What thoughts motivated it, what was not shared.

But from what I know here is what I can address (in no particular order, because my memory is shoddy):

  1. I do not believe that our relationship is/was unhealthy for either of us.  I do not know where this notion came from, where its roots lie.  I wish I had had the chance to address whatever it is that’s driving this.  Yes, it was one-sided – I offered to remedy this, but I don’t think my suggestion was heard with sincerity – it was something I was genuinely offering.  I didn’t see any point in offering up what I had come to in the situation regarding Asa because it felt too late anyways.
  2. I genuinely have no idea why you would need to protect your child or family from me – I remember that I used the word unsafe, but that was not what he said exactly.  They all seemed to like me – especially the kid.  Yes, I am a sadist, but like his submission, that does not extend outside the bedroom (not a secret to much of anyone).  I have made extra careful to make sure this is the case.  If it was a matter of pressure to out himself – I will admit that I did push this a bit hard at the beginning – but the truth was, it was never a dealbreaker, just a concern.
  3. Yes, I did beg.  I begged because the relationship was worth a lot to me, because I thought it a thing worth working to save.  I am sorry that he did not seem to think so – I wish this had been addressed earlier, so things didn’t blow up in our faces.
  4. As to whether the two days a month would have worked, was working – at the beginning it was not quite what I was used to, so that raised some flags for me, but by two months, three months, it was something that I felt I could live happily with for awhile – whether he believes that or not.
  5. Yes, I do think our expectations of the relationship were very different.  I think maybe we should have addressed this at the beginning – things might have been a bit more flexible, a bit more loose, if we could have outlined this.  If we ever get back together, this is something that we will need to address as a prerequisite.
  6. If there is love left there for me, I hope that he chooses to consider the good things more than as just memories, but reasons to choose to go on, to consider the idea of repair.  We made such grand plans, even if there was not the time ever to make them come true (this is something that I realized a very short time in – did not make them any less fun to make).

To Asa:

I do not know how much of this you knew beforehand.  And do not think I blame you for it – there was so much there beforehand that really needed to be addressed before you came in, and that was what the fuss was about, at least in my eyes.  Out of my love for you, and for what is, was, and will be – I can offer “I’m sorry” and I hope you decide to talk to me again.  I will not put our mutual friends in the middle of things, so I hope, for the sake of our pre-existing friendship, that we can talk in the end.  I cannot deny that I think this situation will change things for us, but I hope that we can see through this.

To Grey Sky:

I hope you eventually see this as a blip, rather than something permanent – something we can resolve, whoever “we” ends up being.  In the meantime – know that I hold a light in my heart for you and for your dearest.  I still want to see where we can go – I think we have further adventures to go on if we can figure out our issues and communicate.  I hope you find the help you need, find that therapist you were talking about.  I wish I could recommend mine, but I don’t know what insurance she takes and I think that there might be a conflict of interest anyways, but she has been very helpful.

I miss talking to you.  I love you.