So, I went to have lunch with my dad for Father’s Day on Saturday. When I introduced the idea of my new boyfriend (Diplomat), he asked me this: “Aren’t you afraid of hurting someone?”. My immediate answer was “no, because I know that we have open knowledge and consent”. But it’s been rolling around in my head for awhile, so I thought I’d write a letter to him, explaining my answer in a bit more detail. Here it is (and yes, I’m sending it via snail mail):
20 June 2016
So, I’ve been reconsidering the question you asked me on Saturday – whether I was/am afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings, when I was talking about my boyfriend (the new one). The best answer is really a combination of yes and no.
Yes, I am concerned, as I often am, of hurting someone. But here’s the thing: I don’t go into relationships all willy-nilly. Behind that “boyfriend” is a lot of work. On his side, I maintain open and honest communication with his spouse and other partners – I know that if anything comes up for them that they will talk to me about it and that they are all mature enough adults to be able to process their feelings in healthy ways. I will not date anyone for whom this is not the case. Period.
As for [Trydaen], as I’m sure you wonder about, we have four and a half years of thorough communication and consideration. We have had many conversations about how we want our relationship to work. What he wants to know about my outside relationships and what doesn’t matter to him. I’ve spent enough time with him to know that I can trust him to communicate what he wants and needs out of a relationship with me.
He is not pursuing other relationships at this point in time due to being too busy. And that’s his call. As he understands that I am choosing to do so. [Trydaen] and the new guy ([Diplomat]) have met and seem, as far as I can tell from the outside, to get along just fine. I trust both of them sufficiently to communicate with each other if anything needs to be talked about.
So, the TL;DR (as they say on the internet these days) is this: Yes, I am concerned, but no, I know that there is enough space for open and honest communication between all parties involved that enthusiastic consent is given and received by all.
[My first initial]
So, yeah. I’m a bit nervous about sending that off, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I want him to understand that this is done out of love, rather than callousness.