Feeling: oh, so many things
Woke up happily this morning, but my stomach, head, and joints started hurting after a short while awake. Messaged in to work to say that I’d be in late and didn’t get up until Diplomat did. After he left, I made myself something to eat, talked with Trydaen a bit (turns out he isn’t feeling too great either), then chilled on the couch until it was time for my med management appointment.
The appointment was very productive – we talked about getting the ball rolling on a med that the ARNP wants me to try, but we’ve been working up to because my insurance doesn’t cover it (trying to get a pre-authorization and see if we can get them to cover it). We also finally talked about getting me on meds to help with the Ick, so I now have a prescription for a slightly different (she says better formulated) version of the anti-depressant I know helps with it. While she’s working on the pre-authorization, we’re going to stay on my current med for the ADHD (because, except for a few bumps, it seems to be working ok), but bump the dose up a bit.
On a slightly different note – I think my long term memory recall is actually getting better. While I was chilling on the couch at home this morning I tried a recall exercise. I closed my eyes and went through what we did last night and placed it in chronological order. It took me a little bit to get everything in the right order, but I was thrilled that I could manage that. I remember telling Trydaen earlier this week that I hadn’t been putting things on the calendar because I could actually remember most of them – ya know, forgetting that he actually occasionally looks at my calendar for planning purposes. I did fail on remembering timing on one thing, but I think that’s a triumph in comparison to most of the last few years.
I had a wonderful weekend. I was super nervous about going over to meet June’s friends at hers and Diplomat’s place – it was a huge deal to me, being invited to meet close friends because I am chosen family. Made me feel really wanted. I think it’s safe to say, we all had fun.
Feeling: contemplative and happy
I had an amazing conversation with Diplomat last night after work. Some things had come up for him when we had talked on Wednesday night that needed to be addressed, in person. So I chilled out downtown for a bit after work – went on a walk along the waterfront, drove around downtown looking for parking, finally found a spot just in time to walk quickly to the office where my sugaring gal works to use the bathroom there (shush…I know), then over to Starbucks to see if I could manage to get some calories in my system, even if it wasn’t food. That backfired and gave me a raised heart rate. Boo…
So I went up to his work, took some time finding a comfy nook, then sat down and talked. It is truly intense for me to actually just listen to someone, just sit there and absorb what they’re saying. Especially so if we’re touching. It is the case that I generally prefer to have intense/serious conversations (with the people I’m close to) while touching someone. There’s something about physical contact that taps into empathy, that taps into my emotional center. I’ve run into some major issues in the past with trying to do this kind of thing without that, and my therapist at the time reminded me that the written word, texts especially, can tend to depersonalize (at worst), and we do not have the body language cues that we tend to depend on, so things can get lost, including good intentions. So if I need some sort of resolution and the timeline won’t work out for in-person communication, I try to keep it as short as possible.
We talked and touched. And I was reminded of one thing that I love love love about him. He asks questions that no one has, or turns something around in a way that I had never considered, so I have to think. Then listens. Takes it in. And asks for any clarification that is needed. And actually remembers.
This kind of communication is what I love about poly. What has kept me going on this path, even when I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to handle more than one other person. It also prompts a deeper communication with the self; you cannot talk about what you want and what makes you tick and tock without knowing it in your self. And that discovery, that’s fun.
Feeling: emotionally, pretty ok. Physically…well, I kind of wish I had any sort of appetite.
After the roller coaster that was yesterday, I woke up in a pretty good mood, made better by the fact that most of the joint pain I’ve been having off and on seems to have passed.
Dealt with some serious ass shit last night. Had some interesting revelations. The first meltdown of the Ick season is always quite a doozy and doesn’t ever make any sense. Actually a bit surprised with the timeline of things to be honest – the first hint of it was early by at least a week if not more and the first meltdown usually follows within a week or so, sometimes as much as two afterwards. This time was about a month. I’m going to attribute it to brain chemical alterations, and leave it at that. I mean, heck, I have some pretty amazing chemicals/hormones going around in my brain right now: ADHD meds; dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin from NRE; and the introduction of oxytocin and vasopressin for bonding.
Feeling: very icky
Just got triggered by something that I had a warning on, and I don’t know, maybe I should have not read it, maybe I though I’d be ok. But no, I wasn’t. And I hate it. And I hate me for not skipping over it. But now…now I just can’t. I’m envious, and hurt, and a whole lot of other emotions I don’t have words for. I’m high, so I don’t have my usual filter…everything just comes at me. Sometimes that’s wonderful, because I can chill my brain out and just let it roll off. Now…fuck. It’s all coming at me and the shelved emotional ouch from the last few days that I thought was resolved has fallen off the shelf at me. I just want to curl up in a ball and tune out and not exist for hours.
Feeling: happy and something else
CW: sex, especially my sex life. If you don’t want to know about it, feel free to skip this post.
OK, there we go.
I am reminded of a couple things today. The first one being that it is wonderful for me to have an emotional tie when it comes to sex. As I’ve said it before, love is definitely not necessary, but it is a matter of having an emotional bond to a person, a connection that goes beyond “this physical act gives me pleasure”. Not that I haven’t had great encounters, where “this physical act gives me pleasure” was the primary concern, but if I was to be told to choose between the two, I would choose the one with the emotional connection. I haven’t quite figured out why yet. I’ve played around with the idea that it’s a matter of accountability to each other, that if something goes wrong, that we’ll be better equipped to take care of each other and ourselves, but I’m not sure that’s all of it.
The second thing being that I am glad of the work I have done to untangle PIV from the notion of sex. This took me a great deal of time. Part of what has helped is fucking people with vulvas/vaginas. There is no doubt left in my mind that I have fucked and been well and thoroughly fucked, but look…no penis! What part of this is is that even though I haven’t always been able to orgasm from certain sorts of penetration (wow, that’s only about a year old), I have always enjoyed it. It has been something I’ve always enjoyed out of sex. But within the last three or four years, I’ve been realizing that I enjoy penetration by objects and hands as much as penetration by penises. And I enjoy giving penetration, as well.
Feeling: kinda meh
Well, it’s definitely Monday, that’s for sure. Also, sick and fricking tired of this migraine and it hasn’t even been a week. I don’t think it has anything to do with the new meds (the pain doesn’t seem to have any relation to when I take my meds).
Trydaen woke me up to go to work this morning, but I got back to sleep until chore time. Got up at about 9:15, went to work on cleaning out the upstairs bathroom – wiping out under the sink and organizing stuff in there. Didn’t end up taking my meds until an hour in (conveniently in the bathroom, so I just had to get some water).
I think the reunion went well. It was nice to catch up with the people I knew there. My migraine got worse on the way there, so I only managed about 2 hours before I was peopled out.
Feeling: nervous…and nervous because I don’t know what I’m nervous about.
So, it’s my 10 year high school reunion tonight and I’m nervous. I’m nervous about presenting properly.
Ack, that’s a complicated idea. I want to present as myself – some elements of the feminine, some elements of the masculine. Coding only subtly as queer – which is weird for me – because I’ll be with a group that I’m not used to coding as queer with. Plus I’ll have Trydaen with me, which codes as straight.
I’ve come across this before when I was in college and I was just seeing a guy (not monogamous, just only seeing one person at that time). Going out to queer spaces with just a guy – it made me uncomfortable. Everyone would see me as straight, a straight person invading queer spaces (bi-erasure for the lose… 😦 ). I tried to combat this by distancing myself from him, but that just feels awful, for both of us.
I’m not comfortable with either side of this.
I’m not straight. I never have been. I’m uncomfortable being seen as straight. But, how can I break through the assumptions, while still dressing in a way that makes me comfortable? I think there’s some bigger questions going on here.
It’s Friday, and that’s something. Have to wait until tomorrow to actually try my new meds. I’m looking forward to seeing if they actually work better than the other ones I’ve tried so far. I’ve had a migraine for most of the day, which will interfere a bit with med assessment I think, but it’s very meh.
I had a lovely low-key Thursday date night with Lola at my place. We had sandwiches, played Sentinels of the Multiverse with her and Trydaen (that’s not a two person game, unless they both play two characters), then we went upstairs and cuddled and talked. That was wonderful.