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August Post 18

Feeling: conflicted – happy and thoughtful and icky

So, I’m terrible at taking compliments.  There’s enough self doubt there still, even after years of lessons in self worth.

Out of the blue Diplomat sent me a message about how this comic reminds him of me:

I like the wording he used (quoted with permission):

“….it just reminded me how much you exemplify this conscious, communicative, self-aware approach to love. Thank you. ❤”

My first reaction is to refute it, minimize it.  Clearly I’m not together enough to deserve something like that.

But, thinking over it today, I realize that I did something that I was raised as a woman to do…not accept praise for that which I have done, especially above and beyond normal.  I was trained to just accept that this was part of my job as a woman in this world, and that it wasn’t anything special.  Humility above everything.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a little humility, but when it comes at the expense of your self worth, that’s bullshit.

I am so full of joy that my boyfriend thinks so highly of me.  I only hope I can live up to that.

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August Post 17

Feeling: dreamy…very Pisces, to be honest

I dream of
Roses in the heat of August
Autumn creeping on my senses like a cat or a vine
The sweet scent of something so…
Temporary.

But…
I am held
Wrapped tight
Skin to skin
Holding onto the promise,
All the promises,
Of spring.

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August Post 15

Feeling: meh

I feel like the new meds are helpful for focusing, but make me feel a bit…zombielike.  I’ve had a mild headache all day – not really worth doing anything about, probably not a migraine.  Just…a thing.

Wrote letters for Diplomat and Lola today – I was going to mail them, but because I will be seeing them both tomorrow (Lola at lunch with her kiddos and Diplomat for our date night), I figured I might as well hand deliver them.  Save myself a little postage, if nothing else.

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Right Kind of Adult

Being an adult has many unpleasant complications: bills, jobs, taxes, housing, and more responsibilities in general.  But there can be so much joy.

When I was 18, I thought I could rule the world.  I was an adult, raised with confidence in my own abilities.  I knew what there was to know about the world and damn it, I was going to do something about it.  I could vote and commit my life to a cause, but I didn’t really know jack shit.  This is the point in time in which I started to discover my identities, started to differentiate myself from what I grew up with.

When I was 21, I had had some experience with college and the world.  I was gaining theoretical knowledge, but not much in the way of practical knowledge (some, because I had to learn to live with other adults who didn’t have any relationship power over me).  I was starting to be able to make decisions that were different than my parents might have made and be able to justify them.  I thought, this is what it means to be an adult, how can there be any more?

Age 25: Life throws me a bit of a curveball in the form of Minx’s death.  How can I go on, when this joy in my life is gone?  How can I grow on?  How will I ever fall in love again?  This is the big differentiating moment in my adult life.  Who do I become after this?  So, I gave myself time.  I gave a lot to myself so I could heal, and I think that makes me more of an adult than a lot of people older than that.

Age 28 (current): It turns out, love is a big part of my recovery.  But not romantic love.  The love of my friends and family gave me strength to grow.  Falling in love a couple times helped remind me that yes, I can fall in love again.

But now, I am enjoying being an adult.  It’s only taken me a decade.  I love falling in love, fucking, voting, drinking, getting high, dealing with my own medical decisions, and actually finding joy in the long term planning for my future, with the people I have chosen.  I never could have imagined this at 18, but I think I may have finally reached adulthood, and this gives me great joy.

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August Post 14

Feeling: mildly happy

Got to see Diplomat for a tiny bit today on his way to his date with Star, so he could grab his Fitbit from me.  It made me happy – I hope their date went/is going well.  I think they could both use that.

I had a meeting with the LLC today.  Each meeting makes me more certain that this is the way I want my life to go, and these are the people I am glad to spend time planning that with.  It makes me feel the right kind of adult.

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August Post 13

Feeling: subdued

I am glad that it is a weekend.  Slept in quite a lot.  Didn’t run into the same sorts of issues as Friday with the new meds, so I hunk some of that may be a matter of adjustment.  It makes me feel very blah, though.  Also makes it harder to orgasm (which is not acceptable). I think I may ask the ARNP to try something different, because this combo is not cool by me.

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August Post 12

Feeling: yay Friday

First day of new meds.  Not good.  Very irritable.  Irritated at being irritable.  Had a bit of a challenge trying to get the LLC Operating Agreement revised, as Trydaen and I kept talking past each other.  Finally did, and got it sent out to the rest of the group, before the meeting on Sunday.  This incident really did illustrate our abilities to converse past each other – were trying to solve the same problem, with very similar takes on it, but coming from different ends on the autism-ADHD spectrum, we communicate differently, and run into issues with that.

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August Post 11

Feeling: besotted

Am reminded today/yesterday that “I love you” is just the beginning of a fabulous journey.

With my partner of more than 4 years and my boyfriend of a bit more than four months – so different, but so much love!

This is not to say that I don’t value and adore my girlfriend…we’re just not quite at that place yet, which is a-ok.

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August Post 10

Feeling: case of the grumps

Sore throat caused by winter thyroid ickiness (I strongly suspect) and headache caused by or causing muscle pain in the left part of my jaw (I never have managed to figure out the causal direction there).  Some depression stuff…I think I can arrest this particular thought spiral, but not 100% sure.  I’m going to blame the weather and the Ick.