Monthly Archives: September 2016

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Bleed Over

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I feel like one of the seldom mentioned ideas in the poly community is relationship bleed over.  That is, the idea that what we do and feel with one partner can bleed over into relationships with others.  No matter how hard people try to keep things separate, inevitably feelings will go through.  For those who need/want things separate, I imagine this can be difficult – part of why I feel like DADT relationships often fail in the long run.

Sometimes this manifests as something as simple as RRE (renewed relationship energy), where the NRE from one relationship helps reinvigorate other, older relationships, sometimes even to the point of being NRE-like.  Or happiness from a special celebration (or just a nice date), affects how you behave or what you talk about on other dates, or during time with other partners.  To use a more physical example – the kind of sex you have with one partner in the morning, can affect what kind of sex you want with another in the afternoon or evening; even with some people, whether you’re physically able to have it.

This is a two-sided sword.  RRE can be amazing, but if you’re the partner in the older relationship it might feel like compensation.  Compersion is amazeballs, but if it starts to feel like an obligatory feeling, then that can suck majorly.  And if you were really looking forward to doing X, Y, and/or Z in bed, but they did W, Y, and Z earlier and are not up to (or able to) do it now, that can be quite a disappointment.

Where do I stand on this?  When I have amazing metamours, this tends to be less of an issue and more of an occasional bonus. Even then, if something else is going on (whether at work, home, in other relationships, or in my head) it can affect how much bleed over is awesome and how much it can be annoying.  I love when my partners have things going awesomely in other relationships – it makes me very happy.  But sometimes, especially if our time together is limited, I’d really like to talk or otherwise connect as us and more than the usual amount of bleed over can interfere.  And I try to respect that in all my relationships.

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Short Note for September

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Trying a new strategy for September – more in depth posts, but less often.  I’ve had a few subjects pop up in my brain lately that are bigger and I want to do them justice, but trying to write on a daily schedule makes that difficult.

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August Post 30

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Feeling: stomach is icky, mood is contemplative

So, most of the people I know, especially those who have known me awhile, may have noticed that I tend to wear rings.  They are my favorite type of jewelry after all, despite my many piercings.

Why?  Rings are a connection to my mom’s side of the family.  Everyone wears them, at least within one step of distance.  Gender does not impact this, nor does marital status.  They are a gift of connection.  They are symbolic, given whatever meaning we wish to impart.  My rings have tended towards the androgynous – plain bands and simply adorned ones.  They are a reminder that I belong to something a bit bigger, that I am part of a never-ending circle.

I used to wear far more rings than I do now.  Due to some medical reasons, my fingers have had some issues staying the same size, so I’ve had to switch them around and eventually take most of them off.  These days I wear two rings, each on the ring fingers of opposite hands.  

On my left hand, a titanium band with a rainbow inset.  I got this custom made, with a matching one for Trydaen, for our hand fasting more than a year ago.  It is meant as a show of commitment, rather than a marker that I am off the market.  I chose titanium because of its durability, the color to add character, and custom made because I wanted to give my money to an independent artist.  The rainbow is lovely, but also has symbolism – little known fact that rainbows are actually circular, we just can’t see the rest of it.  We did not exchange rings at the ceremony – we had “engagement” rings we wore beforehand and a couple hours before the ceremony we exchanged them for the ceremony rings in only the presence of my sister and (former) roommate.  To have that be quiet and private was just perfect.

On my right hand, a black tungsten carbide ring.  I have, for a long time, worn a ring on this finger.  It is meant as a reminder of the commitment I have to myself, to my relationship with myself.  It is a reminder that I should nourish and strive to grow within this relationship and I am very glad that, to this day, I have been doing exactly that.

Others’ Rings

Trydaen: He has taken to wearing the “engagement” ring on his left hand lately.  He says it is for no particular reason.  I think, like me, he enjoys having something to fidget with.  But I do find this interesting – he never wore his wedding ring when he was married.  Does it mean anything?  I’m not sure, but I do really like that he does wear it.

Diplomat: For some reason, his wedding ring really reminds me of my father’s.  I’m not actually even sure why, as they are not even the same color.  Maybe it’s just a matter of its simplicity and the beauty in that?  I think this bodes well.

My father: My hands are mostly shaped like my father’s – short, stubby German peasant fingers.  But they are hard-working hands, with a family history of hard work.  So my father’s wedding ring stands out a bit from all that.  It is simple and copper colored.  I have never seen him take it off.  From him, this is a symbol of his love and commitment to my mother, and his dedication to their cause.

My maternal grandmother: She of the rings.  My grandmother admired beauty in all its forms and I only ever saw her a few times without a full adornment of shiny rings (when she was in the hospital and nursing homes near the end of her life).  There were a few she always wore and she’d tell their stories with a look in her eye of something loved and long past.  I think she collected them as a reminder of times gone past.  Her rings were something that were carefully arranged for in her will – those that weren’t specifically mentioned were to be distributed to whichever child or grandchild wanted them.  Our ring styles are much different, but I prize these bits of her memory that I can hold onto.