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An Impossible Standard

I want to start this out with an apology.  To my loves: I am sorry for comparing our relationships to an impossible standard, one that you could never meet because it is so idealized.

The trope of “The One Who Got Away” is so common as to be laughable – this idealized version of a relationship that never was, or, in my case, the relationship that was, but then, through no fault of the parties involved, was not.  Death kind of has a way of ending things like that, without closure for the living.

Minx and I, we had big plans for the future.  Big, grand, glorious plans of spending the rest of our lives together – that kind of plans.  She got to spend what was the rest of her life with me; I, unfortunately, did not get that same luxury.  So I am stuck with these grand and glorious plans – and no way to know how they would have panned out in the end.  Maybe they would have, maybe they wouldn’t have.  No way to know.  But they are stuck in my psyche as the way things should have been.

And no one can measure up against “should have been”.  It’s a downright impossible standard.

I love you all – you are my future.  I need to let go of what “should have been”, because you are all my present, my wonderful “what is”.  I could not ask for better.

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Saturday Debriefing

I went to a birthday party on Saturday for one of the other members of the LLC at their place – a costume party of course.  I had a bit of an upset with my costume at the last minute, but managed to pull something together at the last minute (somehow, not sure how).

Trydaen and I were the first ones there, but the party picked up pretty quickly.  I got to try Manishevitz for the first time.  Quickly decided that it needed vodka, so that was my first drink.  Lasted me a bit more than an hour (trying to cut down on my drinking at parties).

Spent some time watching one of my friends play games and talking to them and whoever else walked into the room.  Then decided it was time for some hot-tubbing, naked, of course.  The tub was full of people, but I still managed to find space.  Then moved around to make out with a friend of mine (we’ve made out before – it’s quite nice).

The cast of the party was a wide web of relationships by the end.  My partner.  Grey Sky and his partner, my friend(?) Asa – everything went well on that front.  The friend I made out with, who is another ex of Grey Sky’s (we were only metas for a short amount of time) and one of his current partners, who was my Girl Scout day camp counselor, among other things, since I was about 10.  So, a bit odd to see naked, but whatevs.

Spent the last couple hours after getting out of the hot tub in a borrowed flying squirrel kigarumi.  It had wings so I got to do some flying down the halls.  Lots of fun.  Then had to put boring clothes back on to go home.

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A few years perspective…

I have never been sure¬†whether poly is an intrinsic thing to me – that I could not ever live well without it – or merely something I have chosen that continues to resonate well for me. I’ve been doing it for about 7 years now (non-monogamy for about 10) and I’m still not sure. At this point I’m not even sure if it matters – I will not go back to being monogamous.

But, for a taste of a different time…

Minx died three years ago, early in the morning on August 4th. I wasn’t seeing anyone other than Tryden at the time.

I spent more than two years out of the dating world. Almost out of the poly world. I spent that time trying to figure out what to do with myself – what do you do when a love of your life dies suddenly? How do you put yourself back together?

I tried by myself for about a year – tried to logic myself out of depression, out of grief. And that was, to a small extent, that worked. But I needed help, so I got a therapist, who gave me the tools to help myself out.

The one thing I couldn’t shake – that I wouldn’t be able to fall in love again, hence I could never truly be polyamorous again. And that crushed me. How could I live without something that had made me feel so whole, so alive? What could I be?

The reassurance that, even if I only ever had one partner for the rest of my life, I would still be poly because that’s how I felt deep inside, was little comfort. I started doubting myself – who am I without this? What happens if/when Tryden decides that he has had too much of my mopey, sad, self-pitying self and decides to leave me? What would I do then?

So, with these questions lingering in my head, I decided that, whether love was going to happen or not, I wanted to spend time with my friends, and actually start to live again. So I put myself back out there, socializing, going to events, meeting new people.

Not long after, I met (and hooked up with) Gray Sky. And not long after that, I found something happening that I didn’t expect – I was falling in love with him. So I told him, he told me back, and for a couple months everything was fine. Then it wasn’t, and we split (well, he broke up with me).

But, if I learned nothing else from that relationship (which isn’t true), then I learned that I could love again. And that was one of the greatest gifts of all.

That break up, broke my heart. As they tend to do. But, after a few months, I decided to put myself back out there again, since that worked so well the last time. I went out to a poly round-up in my area in March, the day before my birthday, to meet people, to socialize – then, when I needed it, there was a place to spend with other introverts, other social exhausted people.

And there I met Diplomat. We spent some significant time talking about politics, life, and Shakespeare. I enjoyed his company, but didn’t think it would pan out to be anything more than fantastic conversation – which was fine.

But…yeah. Not just fantastic conversation, but so much more. And he helped me remember why I chose polyamory, why I chose to love over and over again.

So, I am back. Back where I was more than three years ago, older and wiser. And so much in love – with Tryden, with Diplomat – in a different sense, with Lola – and with polyamory. <83