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For December

For December, I think I’m going to go back to an old writing prompt, from: http://polyhorde.tumblr.com/post/87423863646/30-day-non-monogamy-challenge.  I did this in February of last year and I’d really like to revisit it.

My posts from last year:

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 11

Day 12

Day 13

Day 14

Day 15

Day 16

Day 17-24

Day 25

Day 26-28

Looks like I didn’t do anything after Day 28, so I guess that will be brand new.

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November Write 30

When raised with monogamy we are taught that part of why we are important in a relationship is that we are unique, that that was very important for all we do to be unique.  It’s what makes us special for our partners.  If we aren’t unique for our partners it is the end of the world – we are stuck comparing ourselves to past relationships and generally finding ourselves lacking in some regard (age, appearance, intelligence, job status, etc.).  Which, wow, that sucks.

As a poly person, dating people with other partners, that can come to the forefront.  It is often a concern with new poly people, so they put restrictions on who their partners can date because of their fear of not being unique, of not being special to their partner.  Which is really a load of hooey.

Even if you do the exact same things, look the same, went to the same college, have the same job, so on, you will never be not unique.  You have different genes, different backgrounds, different life stories – that’s what makes us unique, makes us special.  No matter how much we are the same, we will always be different people.  Part of the joy of poly is that. We get to build different relationships, to have different stories to tell, build different lives together.  And, that, that is one of the greatest joys.

I get to be a different person with each of my partners.  I get to build a new life with them.  Our relationship gets to be whatever it is going to be.  Even if I’m dating multiple people at the same time I can have very different relationships with them, can choose different labels, have different kinds of sex, go to different kinds of events, express my affection for them differently.

Comparison can become much more complicated if you know the other people involved, especially if you’re on good terms with them.  When on good terms metas become full people, with fabulously different lives and stories.  Yes, it is likely that you will share some things in common with your metas – people tend to have types of people they’re attracted to, whether that be physical, mental, emotional, or sexual types.  So yeah, you will likely have something in common with your metas.  Nothing wrong with that.  It can be harder than when the other person was just a hypothetical ex, someone that may or may not have actually existed – having a real person on the other end of things can make things harder.  Or easier.  Depending on how you are wired.

But love is love and the amazing part is that we get to build our own unique stories with the people we love, whether that be for months, years, or a lifetime.

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November Write 29

When I was a kid, I was lauded for being the mature kid in the room.  The one that the adults could hold conversations with and expect to fulfill my end of cleaning and social etiquette.  I was told that my parents raised me so well, and aren’t they so proud of me.  Well, they were.  I was held to a higher standard with regards to these kinds of things than other kids my age.  It really wore on me.  It made me stand out from the other people my age, which could really make me feel very lonely.

As an adult, this has manifested slightly differently (just the other side of the same coin).  I am constantly the youngest person in the room, youngest in the relationship.  I am still the one the older people flock to probably for the same reasons.  Sometimes its a shot in the arm, sometimes in the back of the head.  When people talk about people not being mature before 25, 30, 40, pick your number I am always the uncomfortable person in the corner that they forget is under that age.  So, do I bring it up, or let it drop?

It does beg the question: why do I always end up with the older people when I date?  Is it something about me that appeals to them,, or something about them that appeals to me?  Probably both, like with so many other things on my life?  I know I like having someone I can talk to comfortably, who has life experience and so many stories to go with that.  I don’t know what they see in me, but I’m willing to take it.  As long as they don’t make fun of me for being younger, or not getting some cultural references, I’m good.

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November Write 28

I’m watching Sex and the City for entertainment while I write and play games.  Today, actually as it often does for a show made in the 90s that seems a bit out-of-date sometimes (but oddly seems very in touch other times), it came with an interesting idea: Therapy is self-indulgent.

To me, this seems like a “no duh”, also very important.  That’s the point of it!  But, also, it can be very crucial.  It was not until I went to therapy for dealing with grief and depression when Rainne died that I realized how very important it was.  One of the most important pieces of self-indulgence that I ever participated in.  Crucial for many, for at least some points in their lives.  Definitely crucial for me at that point.

I’m going back to therapy again this time – not because I need it to move on like I did the last time, but because I need it to keep my priorities straight and get my life back in a straight-ish path (insert some joke about queerness and not even my life being straight).  Plus, I’m not sure how much more of my issues my partners can take.  So, that’s a good reason, if nothing else.

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November Write 27

I am behind on these – fortunately, my goal was for the number of posts to line up with the number of days in the month, so I’m only really behind on number of posts rather than days.  I chose to do it that way because I knew this would happen – it has the last couple times I’ve attempted to do something similar.  So, it is what it is.

CN: self-talk (both positive and negative)

Continue reading

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November Write 26

I do not know what to write on.  I want to talk about being in love (doesn’t every lover?), but there is more feeling there than words can ever describe.  There is more depth there than we are equipped to handle, I think.  For being just a cascade of hormones that seeks to bond human beings for the purpose of propagating the species, it sure is a potent thing.  But, above all that, it is a choice.

I’m not saying we actively choose to fall in love or not fall in love with someone.  If that were the case, oh, life may be far easier then.  But we choose the path that gets us there.

Yes, there is some control that we don’t have.  We don’t choose who we find sexually attractive.  We don’t choose those for whom we get that intense rush of bonding chemicals for or what degree we get them with any given person.

We do choose to go to that party or respond to that message.  We choose to engage with someone, to talk, to message, to touch.  We may not choose who that hormone cascade happens for – that surge of attraction (sexual, romantic, intellectual, physical, emotional) – but we choose what we do about it.  We can choose to form meaningful relationships even without the surge of mating chemicals, even sexual and romantic relationships.  We choose our engagements with people.  We choose what we say.  We choose what promises we make.  We choose what physical activities we pursue with people, what sexual activities we pursue with people, what intellectual activities we pursue with people.

We build relationships with our choices.  We build love with our choices.

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November Write 25

This evening I met with a potential therapist, someone I knew to be poly, kink, and queer friendly, from repuatation alone.  So, taking a chance on that.

From the second I stepped into the waiting room in her office, I knew we were going to be fine, even if we didn’t click – she had tea, books, and penguins.  But we did.

I went in with my intake paperwork – I had originally intended to send it to her, but had been a bit intimidated by all the pages and had put it off until today. Such a wealth of information.  A lot of it was questions about partners, medical stuff, and that sort.  The intake form even had five slots for partners/spouses, which I thought was pretty neat.

But the big important question: what brings you here?  Such a big question, so full of promise.  So I thought very hard about it.  This is what I came up with:

1. Balancing relationships and learning how to set boundaries, even if they are different for different partners and learning to be okay with that.

2. Figuring out my gender identity and expression, learn what that feels like to me, and what being comfortable in that skin feels like.

3. Putting together a plan to come out as poly and non-binary to my whole world, not just the limited folks who know now. It used to be more important to me to come out as non-binary, but with much thought and much time to reflect, especially on feelings around this holiday season – poly has become more important, more essential to my long term happiness.

We talked about these and their relative importance to me.  We also talked about brain science and the connection between the mind and the body, that looping connection.  We talked about Minx’s death and how it is still impacting me, still affecting my ability to successfully carry out romantic relationships, even though most of the pain is gone (well, the grief and the overwhelming sadness are gone – I am the broken china, repaired to be more beautiful than ever, shining with gold).  Apparently it is not common to be as consciously aware of this effect as I am.

We talked about my anxiety – decided that would be the first thing to tackle. So, that’s that.  I now have a new therapist. 🙂