November Write 2

I think today is a day to talk about security, particularly in relationships.

CW: self-degradation, insecurity

I have a really rough time feeling secure in relationships.  I think it stems from some long ago (not as far back as childhood for sure – this is definitely acquired later in life than that) internalized belief that I am not “enough” or “healthy enough” (read: too fucked up in the head and body) for someone to want to be in a relationship with me long-term.  After all, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is quick-tempered, anxious (especially in crowded situations), depressed for about half the year, prone to migraines and joint pain almost at random (so often has to reschedule dates or make some accommodations), who is picky about foods, tends to be the youngest one in any given crowd, has limited volume control (and some issues understanding tone), tends toward inattentiveness, who is not sure about their gender on any given day, who is short, and has a tummy and very curvy thighs?

Actually, turns out, no shortage of awesome people.  Which baffles my brain.  Why would you want me?  What is it about me that makes you want me in particular?

I don’t know.  I mean, on an intellectual level, I know…they’ve all told me many things when I ask them this question.  On an emotional level…sometimes I’m still that little kid that everyone else my age ignored.

So you can imagine how this plays into my ability to have long term relationships and trust that other people actually want to be in long term relationships with me – put in the work and time to be with me, to take care of me, to trust me to take care of them.

I am honored beyond measure by this and I only hope to be able to fully give back the kind of trust they have put in me.  I am working on this – letting go of whatever insecurities may come up and letting things just be.

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