I found a necklace I have long thought was lost today. I have a long history with this necklace. I first bought it as symbol of a commitment to the idea of love, the idea that love is not limited. Like a day collar, it was a symbol of commitment that I could wear every day to remind myself of how important that idea was to me. Then I permanently inked it onto my body, and so, in a sense, it became integrated with me.
At some point in time (pre-end of 2013), I stopped wearing it. The infinite heart was marked on me. It had, by then, become a fidget, a reassuring thing, so I replaced it with something else – a ring with the initials of the people I loved, some just in a memory. But then Minx died. I hadn’t had the chance to get her initials done on the ring. At some point during my healing process I realized a couple things – I would never be able to keep up and that I was marking the past on a limited symbol that would eventually run out of space. As the song goes, “a circle is round” but marking things on it, you do, eventually run out of space, so it does have an end.
So I took it off. Left it in the jewelry box. For the next few weeks, I would end up touching and playing with the spot where it lay, a bit south of where my collar bones meet, for reassurance. Then, after a while, I got out of the habit of doing that.
That was more than a year ago, maybe two. In the meantime, I learned that I could love again. And could be heartbroken again. And that that wouldn’t kill me. That I had gone through something much more devastating, and come out the other side, broken, but working on rebuilding myself. I have become far more resilient than I ever imagined I could be.
So finding this again is like coming full circle – more like taking another loop around the infinity sign. I will proudly wear it because it does represent me and my love. Its very presence is again reassuring. It reminds me that I am strong, that, no matter my circumstances, no matter my problems, this too shall pass, shall refresh, shall come anew.
My love is not finite.