So, I think I need to expand a little bit more on the how I do poly thing, because there’s so much I wanted to add after the fact.
I think some of how I do poly is dictated by how I grew up. I grew up with two parents who were very apparently in love with each other, even when they fought. They were never super publicly affectionate, but their behavior and body language were alway considerate, at the very least. I knew they would stay together, so I was able to count on their stability as an anchor n my life. They modeled fairly secure attachment, giving my sister and I good role models.
So, poly to me, is about finding that kind of love in my life, building my own family, growing my own community. I am an introvert, but I am a social one (that aspect I think has more to do with upbringing than brain chemistry), so I need to be around people. Not necessarily with a large group, but a community I can count on to be, more or less, stable. And honestly – I think I’ve found it.
Hear me out. I have a great group in the LLC – people I’ve known for at least several years, at least half of whom I’ve known for about seven years (so, most of my adult life, all of my really adult life – after age 25). We are all adults, with stability in our lives, especially more so after splitting the houses. We are planning a future together, planning on building a house/creating a house together. This is a long term plan – one that does not depend on relationships, which, due to the nature of time, may wax and wane – but one that, given proper support and organization, could last well into retirement. It has been an interesting change, actually living with some of the people I’ve spent so much time with. Different dynamics at play.
This is not to say that I do not have faith in my romantic relationships. I do, I have great faith in them. I happen to be in some of my favorite adult romantic relationships of my life. We fight, we fuck, we talk, we touch. We have a polycule built together, a community. This is built on love, of more than just the romantic variety. This is the other portion of my family.
I’ve formed a family. This is what matters to me.
I’ve heard it repeated that women (and those raised and socialized – even in adulthood – as women) who are attracted to men tend to pick men who are like their fathers if they had a good relationship with them (I’m pretty sure that stepfathers and other adult male figures of importance count), and the opposite of them if they didn’t have a good relationship. I wonder if that applies to families as well – you choose to build a family like what you grew up with (not necessarily in composition, but in nature) if you had a good relationship with them growing up, and something differently natured if you did not.
Food for thought if nothing else.