Day 7: What do you think about hierarchical non-monogamy?
As a prescriptive thing – no, definitely not for me. I prefer to let my relationships develop more or less naturally, as they will. If any of my partners are uncomfortable with a relationship, for any reason, they are welcome to tell me so and I can take that into consideration when deciding whether to pursue a relationship or not – my partners’ opinions matter to me. I do choose to work within certain boundaries for myself and have clear communication expectations for all parties involved. I am not comfortable giving my partners an ultimate say over my other relationships. All my partners have one veto, the ultimate veto – I will leave if this continues, whatever “this” is, a veto of self-preservation.
As for descriptive hierarchy – yes, there is a bit in my life and I’m mostly okay with that. I live with the partner I have been with the longest – Trydaen. There are certain different concerns that come with living with someone – different money concerns, sleeping arrangements, date arrangements, etc. Reluctance to be seen as someone in a hierarchical relationship is one of the reasons that I have only recently moved in with him about 8 months ago, despite the fact that, at the time I moved in with him, we had been together for more than 4 years and been handfasted for about 9 months.
I call Trydaen my anchor partner because he was genuinely my anchor to reality for about two years after Minx died – he was there when I was empty, when I was angry, when I was suffering down in my soul. He was the only partner I had at that point in life. And for awhile, that was what was best for me in my healing process. When differentiating Trydaen from my other partners when referring to them by title, I have recently been calling him both my anchor partner and my domestic partner.
I refer to Trydaen, Diplomat, and Lola collectively as my partners. Because of the differing nature of my relationships I refer to them individually by different, but occasionally overlapping, titles. Trydaen is my anchor, my partner, my papi – only ever rarely as my boyfriend. Diplomat is my partner, my boyfriend, my sweetheart. Lola is my girlfriend, my sweetie, my dear girl. I have long-term plans with all of them, some far more certain that others, some further in the future than others, not even necessarily based on the length of the relationship.