CN: Kink, power dynamics, explicit sexual content
While I was on my mini-vacation this last weekend with Diplomat, I started thinking about defining my kink roles better for myself, if no one else.
As I do identify as a switch in a couple different areas, there’s actually a few different sides to this:
1. Top: The Caretaking Sadistic Dominant.
I want to make sure that whoever I am playing with gets what they want from the scene (within my abilities and limits, of course). I will not be cruel. I will not do anything that I think may possibly cause harm (not hurt, but actual, long lasting harm, physically, emotionally, or mentally). If that comes up within a scene, even the possibility, I will drop the scene to take care of my partner. With more long standing partners, I can better understand their body language, which means that I feel comfortable pushing for longer. I tend to check in often with my partner to make sure that everything is going well, regardless of how long we’ve been playing.
Both the caretaker and sadist have bounds. As a sadist, I love causing physical hurt – with the major condition that the second either of us becomes uncomfortable with the level (beyond our own levels of tolerance) that we safeword and the caretaker in me takes over. The caretaker will not go past my own boundaries for providing care – I will not put myself at the risk of harm (not hurt, but harm) caring as a top.
The simply dominant portion does not often show up in isolation – more so recently, however.
2. Bottom: The Bratty Submissive (with service tendencies).
I bottom to a lot of things that have nothing to do with dominance or submission, but more to do with someone giving me something that gives me pleasure – more receiving a service than submission. And this used to be primarily what I did as a bottom.
Lately, I have been unburying the submissive portion. Not many people tend to like bratty submissives, so I have tended to keep that part tucked away and focused on bottoming. So I tended to bottom to things that gave me joy and provide service for the tops for whom that was part of our dynamic.
To be dominant (in scene) with me, you must earn my submission. I must be able to trust, completely, that you will respect my boundaries/safeword and have demonstrated that you can give as good or better than you get from my bratty side. We must also have a chemistry that allows this as a part of the flow of things. I must also be able to trust that, when the scene is done, we are on equal ground again (always be equal partners, just sometimes skew the footing a bit, in scene).
3. Vanilla: Giver, Touch-slut
I take pleasure in giving alone. I can’t quite actually get off on it, but sometimes it is all I want in a session.
I love touch. It is so basic to me – it is both loving and sexual for me. It provides reassurance of continued affection and dedication with my longer term (romantic) partners and a check in with anyone that I haven’t been with for as long. Close touch can really charge my batteries sexually, especially when alone with individual partners.
It has been a challenge for me to engage my receiving side, to realize that others may get just as much pleasure from giving to me as I get from giving to them. I take pleasure in their pleasure, as well as my own.
I think that at another time I will have more to say on this (in fact, I am completely sure of that), but this is what I have for now. This is more just a spilling of thoughts than something completely comprehensive.