If my relationship changes, is that okay? (Rephrased: If my relationships change, is that okay?)
I don’t know.
On one level, I recognize that relationships change every day. Each word you say, every time you do or don’t do something, the relationship changes in at least a minute way. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes in a completely neutral way (though I think true neutrality in change in relationships – not a combination of better and worse in varying amounts, but actual neutrality – is not super common).
On another level – change is fucking scary. Especially for someone with my sensitivity and neurodivergence. Change is disruptive to my existence and that can throw everything off. Sometimes things need to be disrupted to become better though.
I feel like my relationships are all changing right now and it more than worries me regularly. I’m trying to find some sort of anchor of solidness, something I can hang my hat on (to mix metaphors). And I’m having some issues with that, especially because my relationship with the idea of what I want to do with my life is changing as well. Some things are finding solidness and a comfortable space – my gender identity being one of them – but more than that, I’m scared of the changes that may be coming. I’m scared of shaking up my own life, of disrupting what is comfortable.