Monthly Archives: March 2017

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More Than Two 1.6

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How do I define commitment? Is it possible for me to commit to more than one person at a time, and if so, what would those commitments look like?

I guess I would define it like this:  two people give their informed consent to each other to start/continue a relationship with each other, with the intent of continuing with each other for whatever length of time they choose (including indefinitely).  This means that they will continue to keep each other in their own loops and choose to work on whatever comes up during this time period.  For me it is mostly about intention: I intend to continue the relationships I have currently in a loving and kind manner, and I believe that it is important for us to address anything that comes up and keep each other informed.  I keep choosing them every morning when I wake up and I hope they either keep choosing me or talk to me about whatever is going on if they don’t choose me. (And by choosing me, I don’t mean exclusively – I mean keeping me as an important part of their picture.)

It is definitely possible for me to commit to more than one person at a time.  Every morning, I give a minute or so to the idea of each of my partners and the picture we all form together.  Did anything change the previous day?  Is there anything we need to address (for me to keep choosing our relationship)?  Do I still like the idea of us together?  So, I just do this for more than one partner.

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More Than Two 1.5

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How important is transparency to me? If I have more than one lover, am I happy with them knowing about each other? If they have other lovers, am I happy knowing them?

Transparency is critical to me.  It is important for me to be able to share my joys and sorrows in each relationship with my partners, and that requires at least knowing the others – I do not do well with these things on my own.

I am not only happy with them knowing each other, as well as knowing them myself, but I think that this makes everything run smoother.  I don’t need people to be best friends, nor do I need to be best friends with my metamours, but having a good relationship, with lines of communication open (when wanted/needed) is solidly in the need category.

Let’s put it this way.  Currently (and this is my preferred way of doing things, TBH) my polycule is part of my chosen family and I think, for the most part, we operate like a family.  We know about each other, we talk with each other, we choose to exist in each others’ presence on occasion (actually, much more often than my bio-family).  Each individual dyadic relationship within the family – between partners and metas – is different.  Being a family doesn’t mean that we don’t ever have issues with each other, miscommunicate, or fail each other.  For me, it means that I am happy and proud to be with them and that I consider it very worthwhile to improve our relationships overall (I can’t speak for anyone else in the group).

I do believe it is important to have our own private things, as long as they don’t do any harm to anyone else.  I think that this helps keep things interesting and helps each person retain a sense of themselves as an individual in the context of their relationships (not being completely enveloped by the whole).

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Tarot Card Spread

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I’ve had this deck of cards for awhile and I finally came across the best chance to do my first past/present/future setup this morning – I thought about this birthday weekend with my polycule, about each one of them individually, what they bring to my life, what I value about having them in my life, and about our current relationship and the possible trajectories – then set out three stacks and drew a single card from each of them.


Past: The Master.  “The Master in Zen is not a master over others, but a master of himself.  His every gesture and his every word reflect his enlightened state.  He has no private goals, no desire that anything should be other than the way it is….In his eyes they find their own truth reflected, and in his silence they fall more easily into the silence of their own beings….  Together they create an energy field that supports each individual in finding [their] own light.”

Each of came to each other, to this weekend, with our own past, our own efforts to improve ourselves, our own inner and outer relationships.  We have been working on building relationships with each other, with building our group as a whole, building a space that we can each find ourselves with the help of others

Present: Ripeness (9 of Rainbows). “When this card appears in a reading it indicates that you are ready to share your inner riches, your ‘juice’.  All you need to do is relax right where you are, and be willing for it to happen.  This sharing our yourself, this expression of your creativity, can come in many ways….  No special preparation or effort on your part is required.  It is simply the right time.”

I am actually quite glad this showed up and where it showed up.  It means that it is time for me to grow myself, to grow and evolve my relationships (romantic, familial, and platonic) in amazing ways – I think this has been in the works for awhile, but I think I agree that now is the time.  I think it is also awesome because I have been growing my efforts to read, write, and learn code for awhile and I like the idea of this all coming to fruition.

Future: Totality (5 of Fire). “We may feel that there are too many things to do at once, but get bogged down in trying to do a bit here, a bit there, instead of taking one task at a time and getting on with it.  Or perhaps we think our task is ‘boring’ because we’ve forgotten that it’s not what you do but how you do it that matters.  Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.  Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step your complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all you do.”  “When you are not total, whenever you are in the head – thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever – you are not total.  Slowly, slowly slip out of those moments.  It is just an old habit.  Habits die hard.  But they die certainly – if one persists, they die.”
This coming after the Present gives a great bit of caution as well as some optimism.  The caution: to not try to build and grow everything in the second section all at the same time – to give myself time and space to do so with each person and not try to push things to go too far.  The optimism – this feels like my meditation and yoga may be paying off in reducing my stresses in relationships with people in the future and build upon what we already have, may be helping me continuing into the future in seeking peace, within myself and with other people.

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More Than Two: 1.4

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What do I want from my romantic life? Am I open to multiple sexual relationships, romantic relationships, or both? If I want more than one lover, what degree of closeness and intimacy do I expect, and what do I offer?
Let’s break this into parts:

What do I want from my romantic life?  Currently I want affection, respect, consideration of my needs and desires, time together (different for each partner in nature and length), and a willingness to participate in my life outside of our particular relationship.  Beyond that, I have different desires for each of my relationships because they are inherently different, due to being with different people.

Am I open to multiple sexual relationships, romantic relationships, or both?  Currently I’m pretty saturated in terms of romantic relationships, at least really involved ones.  Right now I’m only really interested in pursuing casual romantic relationships, ones where we get together every once in awhile and where our lives are not very entangled, other than by having overlapping friend groups.  As for sexual relationships, I am more open to those: for more than casual, but not overly entangled – for friends I can have sex with, but don’t need a lot of my time (because I don’t really have a lot at this point in time).

If I want more than one lover, what degree of closeness and intimacy do I expect, and what do I offer?  Currently, I am fairly saturated – I do have a couple casual dating partners, but beyond casual, I don’t think I have the space, time, energy, or spoons to handle that.  As an introvert I need to have time for myself, I need to have spare time in my schedule to date myself.  

So for anyone I am not entangled with (and also to those I am) I expect an understanding of my limitations with regards to time (whether that be because of my entangled partners or myself), I expect us to be able to converse about what we expect,  I expect to have the chance (at least occasionally) to talk to each other, I expect that if anything comes up sexually or with regards to feelings that we will address it with each other, I expect that we will get some time to spend with just each other, I would expect to get touch time, and I expect to be recognized in situations where we are spending time with your other partner(s) (no denial that I exist or that we have some sort of relationship with each other).

I offer open communication, touch, time to spend with each other (either in person, digital message, or on the phone), time on my calendar when we want to spend time together (as is possible for each of us, schedule permitting), honesty, and conversation when we want it and silence when we don’t.  I’m sure I’m forgetting a few things….

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More Than Two: 1.3

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How important is my desire for multiple romantic relationships?

To me?  To the universe?  To my tiny chunk of the universe?  I assume that they probably mean the first….

It is not the defining feature of my existence, but it is very important to framing my paradigm.

If I had not had doubts about my high school boyfriend’s jealousy, tied to any idea of me being anything other than just his, we might have stayed together for some time when I was at university and I would have lost the chance to explore that part of me.  To current me, that seems unacceptable.

There are so many people that I would not have met, so many opportunities I would not have had the chance to have, so many decisions I could not have made without it.  Everything in my life has been touched by it – I would not be where I am without the opportunity and desire to pursue romantic relationships.

I would not have had the chance to fall in love with most of the people I have in my life.  There are only two people I have had romantic love for that I would have had the chance to pursue: my first boyfriend and Musician.  The others have had such a profound impact on my life, on how I see myself, how I see the world around me, and my daily life – both now and in the past – that I am not sure I would be the person I think of as “me” without the ability and desire to pursue multiple romantic relationships.

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More Than Two: 1.2

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Do I feel there can be only one “true” love or one “real” soulmate?

No.

Let me clarify.  This idea goes all sorts of ways for me, none very good.

Like most American kids, especially AFAB kids, I grew up with the fairy tale, happily ever after, one true love idea, fed to me by Disney.  Boy meets girl, they fall in love, and get married.  End of story.

But a few things in my life have thoroughly disabused me of this possibility, at least for myself.  

The first one I can remember was when I was volunteering at a summer Girl Scout day camp, probably about the second or third year I did it (so I was about 12 or 13).  The volunteer structure was sort of a mentor thing – they had adults and older teens supervising and mentoring the younger volunteers.  We all had a space away from the campers where we could sit and relax for breaks and meals.  During one of those break periods there were a few of us hanging out there and one of the older teens said something that has stuck in my head for the years since: “There is no such thing as one true love or a fairy tale ending”.  That shattered my brain, clicked a switch that I didn’t know existed.  One of the weirdest things about this experience is really how it has panned out now: I got back in touch with her, when she moved back to Seattle, oddly enough through a poly speed dating event.  And I am casually dating (one of) her partner(s) now.  It seems to have all come around in an odd sort of circle.

The second was my introduction to the idea of polyamory and multiple relationships shortly after I started college at 18.  It was paradigm changing to learn about this idea and read about the long term relationships and the people who made it all work out.

The third has been more of a span of time, rather than a fixed point.  Through the last three of four years I have been through a mess of things and only started to really socially stabilize this last year or so.  But through that period I found love a handful of times – none lesser or smaller than the love I already had with Trydaen.  And my love for people has changed and grown over those years – not just romantic love, but familial, platonic, sexual, and companionate.  Knowing about the breadth of love has made it impossible to ever be satisfied with just one love, forever and forever.  Even if I end up with only one partner, I know that there’s a lot of love out there and that love will never be alone, ever again.

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More Than Two: 1.1

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Have I ever felt romantic love for more than one person at the same time?

Absolutely.  More than once in my life, in fact.  But not as often as one might think from someone who actively identifies as polyamorous.

1: When I was with Musician, Horus, and Trydaen.  I was only with the three of them for a short amount of time (things were in a period of transition with Horus when I started seeing Trydaen), but there was definitely romantic love for more than one of them.

2. When I was with Trydaen and Minx.  I only got a week of proclaimed love with her, but it was there for awhile beforehand, even if not declared.

3. When I was with Grey Sky and Trydaen. “….Need we say it was not love,/ Just because it perished?” (Passer Mortuus Est by Edna St. Vincent Millay)

4. Currently.  This is the longest period that this has been the case (the others totaled maybe 6 months), and I have to say, I rather like it.