Honest, lovable, and painful

Yesterday Moss and I had a talk scheduled. I knew there was a good chance it would end in a break, but I had to be optimistic (because I wasn’t sure how I could get through my work day otherwise). We got together after we both got off work and wandered around a local park together. Then we stood and talked. He said that he couldn’t bear to drag me around while he figures out how he wants to deal with his pain and depression, and awfully abusive/stressful work situation. That it isn’t about how he feels about me because that hasn’t changed. That I was asking for reasonable things that he just didn’t have the ability to deliver on at this point in time.  That I deserve better than how things have been going.

So we talked a lot (at the park, at a local community garden, and for a little time back at my place) to try to figure out shit, to reaffirm our feelings for each other, to reaffirm what is true for us. Cuddled and held each other. Tried to figure out what was still on the table for any kind of relationship moving forward (at this point, sex, love, cuddling and affection, just not that kind of commitment).  I’m honestly more than a bit proud of him for taking care of himself, though I am worried about his depression.

I think he’s having some issues seeing past the depression, guilt, stress, grief for the long-term relationship he lost and the dreams he had for that.  Grief that was never really dealt with in a healing way.  I also feel a bit guilty for knowing that it’s possible/likely that I’m not going to be the only one swept up in this – Eve may be as well – because it’s not a matter of it being me that’s the problem, it’s the idea of commitment to a very uncertain future that’s the problem.

Commitment.  An odd theme recently in my life.  Painfully so.

I’m really at a loss here. Usually when relationships end for me, I had reached the point that I had stopped planning ahead for the relationship. That’s usually one of the biggest signs for me that things are going to end soon. But here… here I hadn’t.  I had plans and dreams, even if they may have seemed a bit far-fledged with the distance we’ve had between us recently. So I’m mourning that which may never be. The tiny and the grand plans.

I don’t want the new spark – I wish I did.  I want this relationship.  With its flaws and triumphs, sorrows and joys – for better or for worse.  I wanted the chance to see him heal and grow from inside a partnership, because I know how beautiful it can be.  But I don’t want someone I love to hurt, so if I have to watch the growth from a few steps back, then there I’ll be.  Even if I want more than is possible at this point in time, even if I’ll probably always want more – this is my chance to move past what I want (in the way of a relationship with him), and to be a supportive, caring, loving friend.  Maybe it’ll happen again.  Maybe the timing will be closer to right at some point (and I plan on being around if it ever is).  But I can’t build my life on maybes, waiting around for him to want me in his life again in that way.  What I can do is to be what I can be for him, for no other reason than because it’s the right thing to do.

I love you babe, truly and deeply.  And I always will.  And if you ever want to run away with me (even if just for a short time), you know where to find me.

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