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Regrets

When I was younger I never really had regrets.  I had the life I wanted, or so close an approximation that it didn’t really matter.  A little more than four months ago, I found all the regrets I didn’t have and they came out.

Regrets are a series of rabbit holes – if you go too far in, you may never return.  Even a tiny bit in and once you return, you will be forever changed.  I have learned, as an adult, what it is like to have regrets, and it feels very adult, very old.  I had/have to learn how to live with them, without them consuming me, and trust me, there are days where they invade my every spare moment.

Spare me some time to go down the rabbit hole:

  • I regret that I didn’t spend more time with my Minx.
  • I regret that I didn’t tell her that I loved her as soon as I felt it.
  • I regret that I didn’t go out to the last party she ever went to.
  • I regret not being able to do so many things with her: dates, camping, anniversaries, planting a garden at her house in the spring, spend weekends in bed – laughing and loving, committing myself to her formally, among so many other seemingly small things.
  • I regret not ever getting to introduce her to my parents.

Some of this is mixed with depression, with things I will never get to do with her again, to see with her again, but that, there is nothing for that.  Maybe time.  Not sure.

What I don’t regret (my path out of the holes):

  • I don’t regret meeting her or falling in love with her.
  • I don’t regret the idea or practice of polyamory, the realization of multiple loves which brought us into each others’ lives.
  • I don’t regret the people I’ve met because of her.
  • I don’t regret the love that she brought into my life.
  • I don’t, not for one second, regret telling her that I loved her, even though I only got to say it for one week.
  • I don’t regret calling Trydaen, asking him if he could drive me back from the hospital.  I don’t regret leaning on him, even if he does not understand why.

What I am grateful for:

  • The memories of love and laughter.
  • The bonds that we created – I truly believe that, in a way, they go beyond the grave.
  • Having such wonderful metamours and chosen family.
  • Having such a wonderful partner to lean on when I needed it most.
  • I am grateful for the chance I had to fall in love.
  • Her smile.  I will carry it with me until the day I die.

 

0

User Manual

The idea of user manuals for each person to give to those people that they are dating is courtesy of the blogger/podcaster Cunning Minx.  I have had a great deal of difficulty tracking down the podcast/blog entry that first presented this idea, but I wanted to give her credit.

I was introduced to the concept of user manuals awhile ago, I believe through the podcast Sex Is Fun (which is, alas, no more.  Sad faces all around.).  Then I when I first started dating Minx, she sent me hers, which, now that’s she’s gone, is one of the largest and most concrete ways I have of remembering her.  When she sent me hers, I decided it was time for me to write my own, so I did.  I will own up to the fact that I have not updated mine in about six months, but I think there is plenty I could do right now to fix that.

How she structured hers: She started out with a general description of some of her characteristics, then had a little bit more structured format.  The structure looked a little like this: Background/History (where she talks about her family growing up, her relationships, and her triggers and relationship styles), Care and Feeding (what she likes in a relationship and what gets her motors running, and keeps them running), Cheat Codes (easy turn-ons and kinks), Boss Level (sex), Damage Rolls/Possible Ragequits (turn-offs and boundary breakers), and Vetoes (her policy on vetoes).

Rereading her manual reminds me how much I miss her. 😦

How I structured mine: Mine’s a bit more tightly structured with more categories and less in each category.  The structure looks like this: Background (which covers my growing up and my family), My Quirks (little odd things about me — I pulled a portion of this section off my OkCupid profile), Spiritual Beliefs, Food Preferences, My Daily Life, Dating History and Preferences (which could use a little updating, especially to include Minx’s passing, which is significant and thus needs to be noted), Dating Me (date suggestions and social cues for dealing with me in public places), Sexual History and Preferences (contexts for sex), Kink/BDSM (basic things I like, nothing in too much detail), Emotional (how I express emotion and a bit of background; also needs to be updated), Mental (a bit of how my brain works and my mental conditions), and Physical (what I look like, in case it needs to be said).

Personally, I do like the way she structured hers, because it suited her personality – light-hearted and funny, but still serious.  I’d like to think mine suits my personality, but I am not such an objective viewer.  I think the important thing though, is to make your user manual suit your personality, rather than a pre-existing format.

0

It’s Not All About The Sex, but…

NSFW.  I do not intend for this to be pornographic, per se, but hey, I liked it, so if you do good for you.

As the tag line of one of my favorite poly podcasts goes, poly isn’t all about the sex.  But sometimes that is a bonus part of it.

Overall, I value a diversity of sexual partners, for each of them has unique skills, characteristics, and personalities to bring to the table.  At some points in time I will value the familiarity of a certain partner over the acquiring of new experiences.  It can be comforting to have someone who knows what I like and to have a rough idea how things are going to go with them.  Sometimes I like the novelty, seeking out the new experiences and people over the familiar – there’s a certain thrill to learning about someone and what makes them tick sexually all over again.  In the middle, which seems to be currently my state of mind, I like branching out from the familiar, seeking new dynamics, new experiences that I would not necessarily have with a central partner, but having that familiarity behind me, supporting me in a sense, to grow and travel.

Sometimes these correspond with relationship stages.  Generally I seek novelty over anything else when I have no one else, or my partner is beginning a relationship elsewhere and I am not the recipient of a majority of their attention.  I seek familiarity when I have no one else, when I am in a brand new other relationship (a desire to strengthen the original one(s) before I drift into NRE, I think), and when I am having issues with another relationship.  I spend most of my time in the middle, leaning to one side or the other generally.  I know I am in the middle right now because I know that I am still not emotionally strong enough to out and out pursue new things to their fullest extent, but I am curious enough about what’s out there to poke at new opportunities over the short term, but perhaps not pursue them to the furthest degree.

There are certain things I am more likely to want to pursue at any given time.  If I am in relationships with mostly men, I am more likely to pursue opportunities with women – it is due to no fault on the part of my male partners, but there are certain things about play and sex with women that cannot be obtained through sex with men – opportunities for breast play (yes, men have breasts, but much less so), vaginal fisting/fingering (not so if that particular man has a vagina, but so far none of my male partners have), double penetration, and there is something very different about mens’ and womens’ skins – there’s a softness to women’s skins (in general) that is very pleasing.

If am in relationships with mostly vanilla people, I am more likely to want to pursue my kinky interests.  If I am in relationships with mostly masochistic/bottoming people, then I am going to want to pursue opportunities to appease my own masochistic/bottoming desires.  Vice versa goes for sadistic/topping.

I am am not sure whether this is the same for other pansexual/bisexual switchy people, but after a time of not being able to engage with a side of my desires (or not being able to engage enough) – men, women, sadism/topping, masochism/bottoming, I tend to feel an emptiness that cannot be filled otherwise, a lack of a certain kind of dynamic or energy.

Polyamory gives me the opportunity to pursue what I want/need to fill me – love, sex, kinky play, whatever it is, while retaining stability and familiarity, with the informed consent of all involved.  And that makes me happy.

2

Where I Want To Grow

I have had a lot of time to think about where I am at and where I want to be in polyland over the last few months.

I am a poly person, who, to the outside world, looks monogamous because I only have one partner.  Even more conformist, he’s male.  So I look heterosexual and monogamous.  Hmmm…

I want to, at some point in the future, have more partners.  I don’t think this will happen in the next six months to a year, mostly because I need that time to put myself back together and having the stability of sticking to existing relationships will be necessary to do that.  I am very glad that Trydaen is in the picture; he can be a good leaning post when I need one and I love growing from him and with him.

I want to take this opportunity to explore those aspects of my sexuality beyond what I have experience with.  I want to build on my voyeurism, watch people loving and fucking and playing, feel how satisfying it can be for me without even being sexed.  I want to build on the big/little aspect of my relationship with Trydaen, because I think that has the possibility of going interesting places.  I want to learn how to be a rope and flogging top, and spend more time in my dominant headspace – it is very confidence building.  I want to spend more times in groups.  I want to kiss, makeout, and touch more people without the expectation that it will lead to sex of any kind, but be more okay with talking to Trydaen when I think I want it to go there.

I want to work on being a more loving and open person, being able to express clearly and without hesitation what I want in any given situation. I want to write more, to put more thoughts down on digital paper, to share more of what I am thinking with the rest of the world.  I want to be able to take more time for myself when I need it and remember to nurture my relationship with myself.  I want to think more carefully through the defense mechanisms, alterations to my behavior, and ways I think about the world because of my disabilities, and remember not to use my disabilities as excuses, only possible explanations.

I want to travel, to pay my own way around the world, starting small and expanding further and further the more opportunities I have to do so.  I especially want to travel with people I love, and if the only person available that I love is me, then to be okay with that.

I want to grow, love, fuck, travel, and learn.  What more could a person ask for?

0

National Coming Out Day

Since it is National Coming Out Day, I thought this might be appropriate:

Hello

My name is

PolyLady
I am
adult, agnostic, ally, BDSM, baby girl, bidyke, big sister, bisexual, brunette, caring, cisgender, curious, curvy, daughter, deist, dork, female, geek, gender blender, girl, intelligent, interested, introvert, kinky, LGBTQIA, lover, Miss, Ms., ma’am, mistress, pagan, pansexual, passionate, polyamorous, polysexual, pro-sex feminist, queer, queer-friendly, questioning, sadomasochist, sapiosexual, switch, tattooed, voyeuristic, wench, woman
Who are you?

I am an adult – legally.  I am older than 18 and 21, both of which are markers of adulthood in my culture.

I am agnostic, because I unsure of whether there is or are deities.

I am a baby girl because that’s what my papi calls me.

I am a bidyke, because I am not lesbian identified, but the term dyke resonates very strongly with my sense of gender expression.  I do not conform to either masculine or feminine dress expectations, but tend to prefer the comfort of clothing over the look of it.

I am a big sister, because I have a younger sister.

I still use the term bisexual, because it tends to require less explanation to outsiders that pansexual or queer, even though those are terms that resonate more with me.

I have brownish hair, therefore I am a brunette.

I am caring because I tend to orient myself towards helping others.

I identify as cisgender because both mentally and physically I am comfortable in the sex I was assigned at birth.

I am always curious.  My favorite question is “why?”

I am curvy.  I have breasts, hips, a stomach, and thighs that stick out and make delightful curves around my body.

I am a daughter because I was a girl born to my parents and proud to have been so.

I am a deist.  If there is a deity or deities, I believe that they created the world then left it be.

I am a dork.  I love to make fun of myself and do silly things just to make everyone smile.

I am female.  This is both the sex I was assigned at birth and the gender I live in comfortably.

I am a geek.  Ask me about Firefly, or Doctor Who, or Star Trek (especially Next Generation and onward).

I am a gender blender.  I choose to express gender in a way that blends both male and female characteristics, even if it might not be apparent in any given encounter with me.

I am a girl.  I may be a woman because I grew to be an adult, but I never lost the girl side of me.

I am intelligent.  Ask anyone who knows me.  Ask the “standard measure of intelligence”, the IQ test and I have above average intelligence on that level.

I am interested.  This goes along with the curious.

I am an introvert.  I charge my batteries by spending time by myself.

I am kinky.  I like a lot of what BDSM offers me and I am definitely not vanilla.

I belong to the LGBTQIA community, as a bi/queer woman.  It gives me a paradigm.

I am a lover.  I have a (at this point in time) a lover/partner, but in times past I have had several.

I am good with anyone calling me Miss or Ms. on my mail.

I use the terms mistress or ma’am when I am topping someone.  I tend to prefer ma’am, but have some fondness for mistress because Minx called me that.

I identify as pagan.  I am in true awe of the power of nature above all.

I identify as pansexual.  It encompasses my appreciation for many different sex/gender combinations.

I am passionate.  If there is something or someone that interests me, I will go at that cause whole-heartedly.

I am polyamourous.  I believe that love is infinite and that I have the capacity to hold more than one person in my heart at one time.

I am polysexual.  I will have sex with more than one person over a period of time.  I tend to prefer sex within the context of some sort of relationship, though it need not be romantic.

I am a pro-sex feminist.  I believe that everyone, so long as it does not harm anyone else or encroach on their personal space without consent, should be allowed to practice sex however they see fit, even if it is something I would never do myself.  I also believe in equality of opportunity for men, women, and all those in between and outside.

I am queer.  I like this term because it also means odd, which I am as well.

I am queer-friendly because, being queer, it doesn’t make sense to me not to be.

I am questioning.  I always like to re-examine myself, figure out where I am, whether I am still okay with identifying as I do.

I am a sadomasochist.  I like both giving and receiving pain on a physical and intellectual level.

I am a sapiosexual.  Intelligence in people is a huge turn-on.  I want to be able to have long conversations about strange and extraordinary things with my friends and partners.

I am a switch.  I enjoy playing on all sides of the BDSM dice – top, bottom, submissive, dominant, sadist, and masochist.

I am voyeuristic.  I like watching and listening to people in all contexts, sexually (consensually, of course) and non-sexually.

I am a wench.  This is what Minx called me as a pet term, and I like it.

I am a woman.  And I am good with that.

I am also so much more than my labels could ever encompass.  I am me!

0

Nostalgia

I remember, I remember, I remember…

I am friends with a former lover and his wife on Facebook. I have never met her, but I have talked to her directly several times and through her many more times. She likes to post pictures of what their family is up to: her, her husband, their son (who looks like he will be every bit the looker that his dad is), and their daughter, who was born while my former lover and I were still together (near the very end). Their daughter was born November 2009, though I don’t remember what day. I met/saw his daughter once in June 2010, when she was a sleeping babe in arms–he brought her to a presentation that I was holding. She will never remember me, but I have watched some of her growing up through her mother’s pictures. I feel blessed in a small way, that I get to do this.

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Society and Sluts

There are very few people who see me who would think me a slut. I wear tee-shirts and jeans when I go out. I tend to be fairly unassuming.

But people might read what I do and how I behave, without seeing me, without knowing me and perhaps assume that I am a “slut” or one those nasty words that society uses to describe women it doesn’t like or thinks might have “too much sex”. Despite the fact that no one every defines what “too much” is. My guess is that too much is more than the listener has had.

The average American woman has four sexual partners in her lifetime and the average American man has six to eight, according to the Kinsey Institute. Would too much be more than that? I guess I’ve still had more than too much for a woman–I’m looking at eight right now at 23. Now granted, that’s not a lot compared to some people (a friend recounted her total and came up with around 48 and she’s about four years older than I am). But it is more than a few people I know (many of my guy friends). Who’s counting?

Is frequency what counts? Well, geez, I guess I fit into that category too. Only 7.5% of partnered women my age have sex more than four times a week (same source).

Is it when first intercourse occurred? There’s another category in which I look like a slut to the statistics, though not by much: 16.6 compared to the average American female’s 17.4 (same source again).

But who’s counting, really?

The fact that I am a bisexual queer poly woman, with large-ish breasts would be enough for some people to judge me a slut based on stereotypes, even without knowing the numbers. Not that the numbers matter.

What matters is one thing: I do not define myself as a slut, therefore I am not. Period. End of sentence.

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To say something…

I feel like I haven’t written in a long time, so I figured I’d share something I wrote today.  I wrote this as a response to someone’s question about what the difference between the terms “cissexual” and “cisgender” is, and I rather like it.

I subscribe to this idea: [www.gendersanity.com] where a lot of descriptors are separated from one another. To use myself as an example: I am biologically female (biological sex–far right); have a gender identity that is close to woman (gender identity–right of center, but not far right); express my gender in a way that on average is sorta androgynous (gender expression–near the center); and have a bisexual orientation slightly favoring women (sexual orientation–slightly left of center). I am both cissexual and cisgender.

Cissexual: my mental and physical sexes are aligned (biological sex and gender identity). I am not transsexual.

Cisgendered: this is a little more complicated. It also means gender normative. By the strictest definition, I am not 100% cisgendered, but I consider myself to be. My gender expression does not exactly line up with society’s expectations of how I should perform my biological sex. Society is conflating bio sex with gender expression in the term gender normative.

2

Just for fun…. Tattoos

It’s only in the last year that I have ever considered getting a tattoo. I’ve always been more of a piercings person, attached to the idea that if I ever need to I can take them out and let them heal over. However, I have been exposed to many people in this last year that have some of the most beautiful skin art and I’m just starting to have symbols that have enough significance to me to have them permanently on my body.

These are my ideas for some I would consider getting should I ever decide to do so:

  1. The Celtic symbol for the maiden, mother, crone triad, like this.  This is one of the ultimate symbols of female power and celebrating the circle of life.  I would get this at the spot where my neck meets my skull–on the other side of my neck from the fifth chakra and up a bit.
  2. The shield of the city of Siena.  This city has a hold on me unrivaled by any other foreign city and matching the city I live in now.  I don’t know where exactly I’d put this, but I’m thinking somewhere along my right side.
  3. The poly infinity heart.  I wear this symbol daily around my neck since it resonates so deeply with me.  It would be asymmetrical and have a red heart and a blue infinity sign.  I saw a design once that I loved but have been unable to find it since.  I would put this in the far left corner of my back, on the fat deposit right above where my back becomes my butt.
  4. The claddagh.  This ideas represented by this symbol are some of my core values:  heart for love, hands for friendship, and a crown for loyalty.  I would put this diagonal from the infinity heart, somewhere near my right shoulder.
  5. The title and the most repeated line of one of my favorite poems: Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night by Dylan Thomas.  The whole quote would be the last two lines of the poem:  Do not go gentle into that good night/Rage, rage against the dying of the light.  This poem is written in a complex form called a villanelle.  I’m not sure where I’d want this, but I’d want it somewhere where each would have their own line.

That’s it, really.  Not sure whether I will ever get any, but this just establishes some possibilities.

1

Attraction

I was going to write a few days ago on my poly life, but I figured out that I wasn’t quite ready to say anything on that yet, but be assured, it is something I will write about soonish.

This is meant to be part of a two part series on attraction and attractiveness, both written close together because both are in my mind at this point in time.

As a bisexual woman, I find myself attracted in certain ways to both men and women. However, and this is a big part of me, more often to women. Big secret time: about 95% of the time, maybe even more, I do not find men physically attractive when I first meet them. Women I can be physically attracted to from the moment I meet them. With women that physical attraction does not often change–either you are or you aren’t. With men, I find that they grow on me.

I am usually first drawn to women by their looks. I think maybe this is not such a good thing–this is how society conditions people to view and judge women, on their looks first and foremost. I know this is not how I want to be judged by anyone–I’d rather people find me attractive because of my mind than by my looks. However I am starting to think that maybe this is a function of where I usually meet women, which is at bars. One of my friends I was drawn to because of her personality–I met her online and talked to her for a while before I ever met her in person, and the first time I met her it was at a board game night at her house. She is not conventionally attractive, but in my eyes she definitely is because of personality and appearance, in that order.

Men, I am drawn to because of intellect, usually. To get my attention as a guy you definitely have to be able to hold my attention in a conversation, which usually involves talking about something that engages my mind. What happens after a while is that I decide whether what a guy talks about is interesting enough for me to want to talk to him again and then I will give him my number. Looks usually don’t come into the equation until much later. After a while, usually a month or so, though it has been more and less, I start realizing that I am becoming attracted to them physically. However, with my boyfriend things were a little different. I was first drawn to him because of a physical resemblance he bears to someone I was thinking about at the time. Then the rest of the process unfolded.

I have been emboldened by reading Look Both Ways by Jennifer Baumgardner in describing my attractions. The book inspired me to not be afraid of saying that yes, I am attracted to men and women in different ways and for different reasons and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is all a natural (and fluid) part of human variation.