Category Archives: Being me

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Pride Challenge: Day 8

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What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?

The closet was a safe place at one point in time, where I could be while I was still figuring out who I was and how that could fit in to my family as that person.  Fitting into society as a whole hasn’t really ever been a part of it – I’ve always been strange enough that I was never quite going to fit in to any social group or pass as a “normal” person for longer than about 6-8 hours at a time (and even that probably doesn’t hold up under much scrutiny).

I have tended to only come out of the closet when there was a compelling reason to do so, or I just couldn’t hold it to myself any longer.  However, coming out as a concept has become much more complicated for me over time – I prefer to be out, for sure, but the idea of the necesssity of making a big deal out of it has been starting to strike me as weird.  I mean, being bi, poly, non-binary – these are normal things and I should be able to talk about them in ordinary conversation without it being a big deal.  

They say coming out reduces the stigma around marginalized groups, but I think that it doesn’t have to be a big deal to do it.  Heck, think of a world where it isn’t a big deal for someone to off-handedly mention their same sex partner when talking about vacation plans (even when they’ve never talked about them before) or mention that they prefer they/them or xie/xir pronouns without someone picking on their grammar.  Imagine a world where this is a normal ordinary thing for people to do.  I like that world, so I do what I can to create that world, by trying to talk about my sexuality, gender identity, and relationship styles without implying that they should be anything but normal and ordinary.
Granted, as much as I like the idea of that world, I grew up in this one, where these things aren’t normal or ordinary.  So, sometimes having a foot in the closet is necessary to maintain economic security or safety.  And sometimes my ideals don’t match my situation and I am a hypocrite – I am slowly introducing my parents to the idea of non-cisgender gender identity, so I can talk about my situation comfortably eventually and know that they have the whole context in which to judge it.  I am sharing my experiences with my partners on Facebook and slowly widening what I am comfortable sharing about any of my relationships and the group of people I am comfortable sharing it with.  I am hoping that I can bypass coming out as an event to my extended family by just presenting my life as it is to my family on Facebook.

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Pride Challenge: Day 6

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Did you face any problems regarding religion?

Nope.

The only thing I ever encountered in the way of problems regarding religion has been with family members who were less accepting of my queerness because of their religion.  One of those folks, my aunt, said once that she may disagree with my lifestyle but she still loves me because I’m her niece.

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Pride Month: Day 5

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Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts? 

The only thing I can think of that fits the “inner turmoil thing” is fears about not being seen as queer enough to occupy queer spaces, especially when I’m in one of my Kinsey 2 stages (I swing between Kinsey 2 and 4).  I date mostly men (as a bi AFAB person, this is the statistical normal), but do date women, and when I’m out with one of my male partners and it’s just us, in most cases we will be read as straight.  Which squicks me a bit – it erases my queerness to be judged by the person I am with and nothing else.

My inner turmoil regarding my sexuality never has lead to self-injury or suicidal thoughts, and I know I am lucky in that regard.

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Pride Challenge: Day 4

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The first person you came out to and that story?

Bisexual/queer: Probably someone in my very early freshman year.  I was eager to explore what that meant, so I don’t know who it was I told first.

Genderqueer/Gender fluid: I had been having thoughts about it for at least six months before I told anyone and I did it on my first date with Diplomat.  I’m not even sure he knows that.  I just gave the thought words then.  They had been brewing for awhile beforehand.

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Pride Challenge: Day 3

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How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

Being bi: For sure?  I was 18.

It had occurred to me that I was different in that regard about midway into my teens.

It was no great revelation, just a bit of an opening up of my options and a realization of attractions.

Being non-binary? Probably about a year ago or so.  I’ve more or less been a tomboy forever.  It didn’t occur to me that this was “abnormal” until middle school, so I quickly feminized when I decided I wanted to attract guys, because that was the only acceptable look.

But when I went back to college, I reverted to what was comfortable to me: teeshirts, hoodies, and jeans.  The tomboy thing.  But over time, I learned how to adjust my clothing to account for my sensory processing issues, but with the bits of femininity I liked.

I had some feelings of gender dysphoria early on, I suspect, but didn’t have the language to describe my in-between state.

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Pride Month Challenge: Day 2

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Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

A crush on Poison Ivy from the Batman pop-up comic.  Seriously hot stuff there.  I didn’t have any judgments about that crush at the time – it was just a thing that I liked, a character that I kept coming back to, looks-wise.  And considering I can count the crushes I’ve had in my life on one hand (both fictional and real life), that sticks out.

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Pride Month Challenge: Day 1

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So, some of my friends on Facebook are doing this LGBT Writing Prompt thingy for this month, and I like it, so I’m going to do it here.  I misssed the first day, but I will just do two posts today.

Define your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.

I’m like ice cream – I come in many different forms and variations and can fit in different containers, but at the beginning and end of the day, I am fluid.  Sometimes I am more tart, sometimes more sweet, sometimes decadently sinful, but I am always delicious.

To be real – I find it hard to be one or the other – the binary does not suit me very well.  In fact I’m not sure it ever has.  I mean, really – queer (bisexual/pansexual), switch, poly, non-binary gendered.  I live the middle.  The middle lives me.

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Parents & Love Languages

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I was just thinking about this earlier today and I think I figured out some things about how my family works.  Now, these are just guesses, based on behavior, but it was an interesting brain exercise.

Mom:

I think my mom’s primary love language (at least with us kids) is Quality Time.  She got super unhappy with my sister and I for not scheduling something for Mother’s Day this year – just anything that involves us spending time with her.  She seems to love to talk to us one-on-one, even if it just is for coffee, lunch, or shopping. 

It does also explain why I have run into some issues with her regarding how we express love to each other, why I didn’t think that she was a primary love giving figure in my early life – because to her, spending time with me was showing affection, whereas I much would have preferred being told that I was cared for (Words of Affirmation is more prominent as my Love Language in my relationships with my family – both origin and choice – than Touch).  I think she could tell that that was not working for me as I got older and more invested that time with my sister (for whom Quality Time is a bigger thing).  As I got into my late teen years, she became more involved in my life again, giving more time, and I started to realize that this was how she was showing her love.

It does still cause some strife with us – since it is not one of my major love languages, I have some issues understanding why it is such a big deal to her to spend time with me, and why it is such a big deal to her if I can’t.  I try to give it to her, without understanding why it is so important, but since my priorities are in different places, I don’t always know when I’m going to cause a tense situation with regards to time.  This is something I am trying to understand.

Dad:
I think my dad’s primary love language is Acts of Service.  He takes care of things around the house, makes meals, helps us kids with our car problems, and runs errands for my mom, just because.

Since I grew up with my dad as my primary figure (as my mom got along better with my sister), I understand Acts of Service far better as a love language than Quality Time. To some extent I think I give Acts of Service as a Love Language because of this, because some of the ways I give love are the same as my dad did growing up – making meals, taking up emotional labor, doing research for people, and helping with various tech issues.  Even if they are not my favorite things to do, I do them so other people can have a little less burden on their lives because of what I do.

My mom wants my dad to care more about me and my sister spending time with him for Father’s Day, but I don’t think he wants to.  He’s never made a big deal out of it, but is willing to schedule things (and take on emotional labor) for my mom for Mother’s Day and regular date nights because he knows they matter to her.
Me:

I wonder how much neither of my parents speaking my primary family love language affected me growing up.  And I wonder how much of my primary family love language is because of how I grew up and how my parents expressed theirs.  Food for thought.

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Brain Weasel Introductions

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So, one of my favorite poly bloggers has a name for her brain weasel, which I think is pretty cool.  Mine don’t so much have names as titles/job descriptions:

What If They Only Like Me Because I _______?

What If They Think I’m Dumb?

Why Don’t/Can’t They Do ______ With Me? (And its friend: Why Do/Can They -or Will They – Do That With Them And Not Me?)

Why Won’t They Talk To Me About ______?

Why Don’t We Do _______ Any More?  I Liked Doing ________.

Why Can’t I Find The Questions To Find Out What I Need To Know?

What If I Fucked Something Up By Saying or Doing That?

Why Won’t They Touch Me (in whatever given circumstance)?

Nobody’s Listening To Me

Nobody Cares What I’m Saying

Why Am I Being So Needy?

Where Do I Fit In All This?

What If _______ Is All There Can Be?

Stop Crying

Why Are They Yelling At Me?

What Did I Fuck Up This Time?

I Am Fucking Things Up By Being So Open and Honest About What I Need And Want.

What If I Can’t Figure Out What I Need/Want?/ Why Can’t I Figure Out What I Need/Want?

Why Can’t I Be Happy With The Time I Have?

You’re Being Inconvenient/You Are Inconvenient

Why Won’t They Keep Me In The Loop?

Why Did I Have to Hear That From Someone Else?  Don’t They Care About Me Enough To Tell Me About It?  Is Me Knowing About Things That Inconvenient/Unimportant?

Why Am I The Only One Asking For Things In This Relationship?  Am I That Problematic/Needy?

Why Can’t You Keep Quiet?  You’re Fucking Things Up.  Stop Talking.  

Stop Asking For Things. Be Happy With What You Have.  Why Can’t You Be Happy With What You Have?  You’ve Already Asked For So Much Already. 

Imposter Syndrome – This is a full family of weasels.

You’re Not Living Up To Your Potential

You’re Going To Feel Underwater Forever

Why Won’t They Tell Me How They Feel About Me?

I Need Words of Affirmation In This Circumstance And I Feel Lost Without Them, But Asking For Them Directly Would Defeat The Purpose, So What The Fuck Do I Do?

Why Do I Keep Doing This?

Why Am I So Defective?

What If I Never Have The Money To Figure Out What’s Wrong With My Health?

Why Are They Putting Up That Wall With Me?/Where Is The Reciprocity, That Exchange of Ideas and Information?

Why Are They Treating Me Like I’m Made of Glass?

Why The Fuck Do I Have So Many Brain Weasels?  What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?

And to give you some idea about these – these have all come up for me in the last few weeks, most of them multiple times.

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Hmmm…

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What do you let go of?

What do you hold on to?

What can you let go?

Who can you let go?

At what point do you say,

“Fuck this, I’m either all in,

Or all out.  There’s no in between.”

But secretly think that maybe it would be safer, in between?

At what point is ambiguity not enough?

At what point do you hope?

Where is that hope from?

When do you put it on the line?

When do you call it quits?

Where is love in your questions?

Where is sweetness?