Brain Weasel Introductions

So, one of my favorite poly bloggers has a name for her brain weasel, which I think is pretty cool.  Mine don’t so much have names as titles/job descriptions:

What If They Only Like Me Because I _______?

What If They Think I’m Dumb?

Why Don’t/Can’t They Do ______ With Me? (And its friend: Why Do/Can They -or Will They – Do That With Them And Not Me?)

Why Won’t They Talk To Me About ______?

Why Don’t We Do _______ Any More?  I Liked Doing ________.

Why Can’t I Find The Questions To Find Out What I Need To Know?

What If I Fucked Something Up By Saying or Doing That?

Why Won’t They Touch Me (in whatever given circumstance)?

Nobody’s Listening To Me

Nobody Cares What I’m Saying

Why Am I Being So Needy?

Where Do I Fit In All This?

What If _______ Is All There Can Be?

Stop Crying

Why Are They Yelling At Me?

What Did I Fuck Up This Time?

I Am Fucking Things Up By Being So Open and Honest About What I Need And Want.

What If I Can’t Figure Out What I Need/Want?/ Why Can’t I Figure Out What I Need/Want?

Why Can’t I Be Happy With The Time I Have?

You’re Being Inconvenient/You Are Inconvenient

Why Won’t They Keep Me In The Loop?

Why Did I Have to Hear That From Someone Else?  Don’t They Care About Me Enough To Tell Me About It?  Is Me Knowing About Things That Inconvenient/Unimportant?

Why Am I The Only One Asking For Things In This Relationship?  Am I That Problematic/Needy?

Why Can’t You Keep Quiet?  You’re Fucking Things Up.  Stop Talking.  

Stop Asking For Things. Be Happy With What You Have.  Why Can’t You Be Happy With What You Have?  You’ve Already Asked For So Much Already. 

Imposter Syndrome – This is a full family of weasels.

You’re Not Living Up To Your Potential

You’re Going To Feel Underwater Forever

Why Won’t They Tell Me How They Feel About Me?

I Need Words of Affirmation In This Circumstance And I Feel Lost Without Them, But Asking For Them Directly Would Defeat The Purpose, So What The Fuck Do I Do?

Why Do I Keep Doing This?

Why Am I So Defective?

What If I Never Have The Money To Figure Out What’s Wrong With My Health?

Why Are They Putting Up That Wall With Me?/Where Is The Reciprocity, That Exchange of Ideas and Information?

Why Are They Treating Me Like I’m Made of Glass?

Why The Fuck Do I Have So Many Brain Weasels?  What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?

And to give you some idea about these – these have all come up for me in the last few weeks, most of them multiple times.


November Write 23

My brain is occupied by brain weasels.  At this point they have a permanent residence there.  I don’t know if its a side effect of anxiety or depression, but they can be kind of comforting to have there, in a weird way.  I get used to them in the winter, but this fall/winter I have decided I can face them straight on.  Look them in the face and say, like to a toddler prematurely awoken from a nap: “Go back to bed”.  I don’t think this will be easy – like a toddler, I don’t think they’ll be quick to go back to bed.  But here’s the thing – I have a great battalion behind me.  Great partners, a great chosen family, a great med management ARNP, and a lot of experience doing doing battle with the weasels.  Truth being, I don’t want them to leave – some of my personality quirks are shaped by my worries and anxieties.  Where would I be without them?  But I think they can take longer naps between appearances.