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NaNoWriMo 8 – New

So… I think it’s time. I’m adding my new guy (and his peeps) to my polycule chart. I’ve been hesitating for a while because I don’t know what to call him (there are a number of appropriate ones that I’ve come up with) and because we’re trying to keep things pretty casual (we’ll see how well that works down the line…). I started seeing him about 13 weeks ago and we’ve been going on dates every couple weeks, pretty regularly. I’ve known him for several years now – the kind of knowing that involves conversations at mutual friends’ parties and larger scale play/sex parties and some sexual tension. The timing had never been quite right before, but now, now I’ve been open to different kinds of connections for a bit and that opened up that possibility. And wow… yeah. The chemistry is awesome.

What I’ve decided on for now namewise, and I reserve the right to change my mind, is Ember.

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More Than Two 2.3

Am I flexible in what I’m looking for?

In general?  Yes.  What I’m looking for out of given relationships?  Perhaps less so.

I look for what fits me at that time.  If I’m looking for something more involved/entangled, and someone can only commit a day or two each month or every other month, that’s not going to work for me.  I tried it and it made me very unhappy because I wanted more time with them than they had to give and I reached the end of my flexibility.  

However, if I’m looking for something less involved or entangled (for whatever reason), then that kind of relationship works just fine for me.  Heck, I have one of those right now.  We talked at the very beginning of things and made it mutually clear that we were both a bit short on time and otherwise involved, but that it was worth seeing each other every once in awhile (has been panning out to 1-2 times per month so far, and that’s been great).
At this point in time, I’m not sure what I could do – I’m swamped in the high involvement/entanglement slots and very tentative about any other slots.  So, now I flirt.  And I have conversations.  And occasionally have makeout sessions.  Without the intent of it going anywhere.  Which is kind of nice.

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More Than Two 2.2

What configurations am I open to? Am I looking for a particular configuration because I’m afraid that others might be more scary or more threatening?

All this in theory, because I’m basically saturated at the moment.

I’m generally more open to people as individuals.  Not really into the idea of dating a dyad (or triad, or so on…) together, but if for some reason I click with both/some/all of them separately, then I have no issues with that.  I tend to like to keep things small, so I don’t get overwhelmed, so sub four partners (all levels of entanglement and involvement) tends to work out best for me (but they can’t all be high involvement/entanglement – my limit there is somewhere between 2 and 3).

I’m not looking for a specific configuration in particular, so I can’t really answer the second question except to say that my concern is more emotional energy drain and not having enough downtime rather than finding something scary or threatening.

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More Than Two: 1.4

What do I want from my romantic life? Am I open to multiple sexual relationships, romantic relationships, or both? If I want more than one lover, what degree of closeness and intimacy do I expect, and what do I offer?
Let’s break this into parts:

What do I want from my romantic life?  Currently I want affection, respect, consideration of my needs and desires, time together (different for each partner in nature and length), and a willingness to participate in my life outside of our particular relationship.  Beyond that, I have different desires for each of my relationships because they are inherently different, due to being with different people.

Am I open to multiple sexual relationships, romantic relationships, or both?  Currently I’m pretty saturated in terms of romantic relationships, at least really involved ones.  Right now I’m only really interested in pursuing casual romantic relationships, ones where we get together every once in awhile and where our lives are not very entangled, other than by having overlapping friend groups.  As for sexual relationships, I am more open to those: for more than casual, but not overly entangled – for friends I can have sex with, but don’t need a lot of my time (because I don’t really have a lot at this point in time).

If I want more than one lover, what degree of closeness and intimacy do I expect, and what do I offer?  Currently, I am fairly saturated – I do have a couple casual dating partners, but beyond casual, I don’t think I have the space, time, energy, or spoons to handle that.  As an introvert I need to have time for myself, I need to have spare time in my schedule to date myself.  

So for anyone I am not entangled with (and also to those I am) I expect an understanding of my limitations with regards to time (whether that be because of my entangled partners or myself), I expect us to be able to converse about what we expect,  I expect to have the chance (at least occasionally) to talk to each other, I expect that if anything comes up sexually or with regards to feelings that we will address it with each other, I expect that we will get some time to spend with just each other, I would expect to get touch time, and I expect to be recognized in situations where we are spending time with your other partner(s) (no denial that I exist or that we have some sort of relationship with each other).

I offer open communication, touch, time to spend with each other (either in person, digital message, or on the phone), time on my calendar when we want to spend time together (as is possible for each of us, schedule permitting), honesty, and conversation when we want it and silence when we don’t.  I’m sure I’m forgetting a few things….

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November Write 29

When I was a kid, I was lauded for being the mature kid in the room.  The one that the adults could hold conversations with and expect to fulfill my end of cleaning and social etiquette.  I was told that my parents raised me so well, and aren’t they so proud of me.  Well, they were.  I was held to a higher standard with regards to these kinds of things than other kids my age.  It really wore on me.  It made me stand out from the other people my age, which could really make me feel very lonely.

As an adult, this has manifested slightly differently (just the other side of the same coin).  I am constantly the youngest person in the room, youngest in the relationship.  I am still the one the older people flock to probably for the same reasons.  Sometimes its a shot in the arm, sometimes in the back of the head.  When people talk about people not being mature before 25, 30, 40, pick your number I am always the uncomfortable person in the corner that they forget is under that age.  So, do I bring it up, or let it drop?

It does beg the question: why do I always end up with the older people when I date?  Is it something about me that appeals to them,, or something about them that appeals to me?  Probably both, like with so many other things on my life?  I know I like having someone I can talk to comfortably, who has life experience and so many stories to go with that.  I don’t know what they see in me, but I’m willing to take it.  As long as they don’t make fun of me for being younger, or not getting some cultural references, I’m good.