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Letter to my Dad

So, I went to have lunch with my dad for Father’s Day on Saturday.  When I introduced the idea of my new boyfriend (Diplomat), he asked me this: “Aren’t you afraid of hurting someone?”.  My immediate answer was “no, because I know that we have open knowledge and consent”.  But it’s been rolling around in my head for awhile, so I thought I’d write a letter to him, explaining my answer in a bit more detail.  Here it is (and yes, I’m sending it via snail mail):

20 June 2016

Dad,

So, I’ve been reconsidering the question you asked me on Saturday – whether I was/am afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings, when I was talking about my boyfriend (the new one).  The best answer is really a combination of yes and no.

Yes, I am concerned, as I often am, of hurting someone.  But here’s the thing: I don’t go into relationships all willy-nilly.  Behind that “boyfriend” is a lot of work.  On his side, I maintain open and honest communication with his spouse and other partners – I know that if anything comes up for them that they will talk to me about it and that they are all mature enough adults to be able to process their feelings in healthy ways.  I will not date anyone for whom this is not the case.  Period.

As for [Trydaen], as I’m sure you wonder about, we have four and a half years of thorough communication and consideration.  We have had many conversations about how we want our relationship to work.  What he wants to know about my outside relationships and what doesn’t matter to him.  I’ve spent enough time with him to know that I can trust him to communicate what he wants and needs out of a relationship with me.

He is not pursuing other relationships at this point in time due to being too busy.  And that’s his call.  As he understands that I am choosing to do so.  [Trydaen] and the new guy ([Diplomat]) have met and seem, as far as I can tell from the outside, to get along just fine.  I trust both of them sufficiently to communicate with each other if anything needs to be talked about.

So, the TL;DR (as they say on the internet these days) is this: Yes, I am concerned, but no, I know that there is enough space for open and honest communication between all parties involved that enthusiastic consent is given and received by all.

Sincerely,

[My first initial] 

So, yeah.  I’m a bit nervous about sending that off, but I think it’s the right thing to do.  I want him to understand that this is done out of love, rather than callousness.

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Different Love

The idea in poly that we could love people the same is rather silly.  I do not love anyone the same as anyone else.

I love my parents because I honestly believe that they did the best job they knew how to do to raise my sister and me.  They have been supportive even when they had no idea how to handle an introverted bi poly kid.  I appreciate that.  They have both tried to have an adult relationship with my sister and I and respect, generally, that they raised two very independent minded children.

I emphatically love some of my friends.  It’s mostly because they’ve been around when I’ve needed people around and chose to stay in my life and bond with me.  Some of them I want to have sex with, some I’d consider, some I have.  It may have an effect on how I love them.  It may not.  I’m not sure,  and for each it is different.

I love Grey Sky.  I fell in love with him (for lack of a more preferred pronoun) very early on in things, not sure why so early, may be a matter of leaving my heart open.  He is very sweet and I know he tries to be the best partner he can, given the limited opportunities to physically express it.  Grey Sky gives me ammunition to love myself and in doing so, is far more lovable.  I want to convey  that to him – whatever he brings to the table, I will love him for it.  I want to grow my Dom/top self with him, give him chances to know a part of me that I don’t often show.  And I hope he feels comfortable enough to show the same.

I have been with Trydaen for near on four years.  My love for him has blossomed and metamorphosed through that time.  I love him because he folded himself into my life very well,  because he gives me new mysteries every day, because he chose to stick with me even when it was not an easy thing to do, because he touches me even when that is not an easy/comfortable thing for him to do.  We both are strong-willed, so when we fight, we really do, but it never escalates into abusive patterns.  I like that he is willing to stand up to me.