My dear Minx,
Each day I creep closer and closer to the day where none of the cells in my body will have ever known you. For some reason that seems significant to me. Already it is hard for me to remember the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand, and the smell of your skin. I remember your face, because of all the pictures that I still look at every once in awhile. I remember the scar around your waist. I remember your sweetness.
I am far enough out that there is not enough information for me to assume what you would have thought of my life as it is now. But, it is your death that forced me to change, forced me to examine what I found important, forced me to look into the void and deal with what that meant to me. I do no longer see it as entirely a negative thing – if you were alive, then I would not wish you dead just for the sake of my own growth – but more as something that gave the me I am now space to come out and spread their wings.
I am happy these days. I have found love in a few places that I never thought imaginable. Deep, sweet love. Love of a depth and breadth I hadn’t ever imagined before. I wish you could meet them, see what joy they bring into my life, witness the magnitude of the love in my life. But, my dear sweet Minx, that will never happen. So I guess I will have to settle for luxuriating in that love, washing my dears with my tears of extraordinary joy, and reflecting it back, whenever I can. My loves have challenged me and I have grown, grown beyond the extent that I did because of grief. I love who I have become. I love the person I get to be with my partners.
I want to write letters to those in my life, split over this write and the next two.
To my friends,
I am very proud of you. I am amazed with the breadth and depth of your response to this horrendous election. I have seen those people who do not often post on Facebook, come out with beautiful diatribes, full of understanding and an acknowledgement of just how bad it could be.
I have seen the beginnings of a new movement burst into life, fresh and full of energy. I used to be skeptical of the power of the Internet and social media sites to create full social movements with power, participation, and enthusiasm, simply because we simply do not have many years of the internet to look at the history of how social movements interact with it. But the last few years have shown me that it is simply not the case that a social movement can’t form on the internet and take flesh in real life. I have seen you do it. I have seen you take your convictions to the streets, willing to protest and potentially even be arrested for the sake of a social movement and be willing to come to the aid of any person from a marginalized minority, even to the point of physically fighting to protect them.
To my fellow queers of all shapes, sizes, colors, and abilities: you are astounding! Your reactions have galvanized me and my conviction to be visible as a queer person. I will support you, whichever path you take in regard to this presidency – going back in the closet, retaining you outness as is, or step any further out of the closet. I cannot choose for you – if you think it would be safer for you to retreat, I will give you whatever support you need (short of large sums of money – I am limited in that regard) to remain the safest, sanest, and most secure during this time.
To my friends who voted for TOWSNBN: I hold you responsible for protecting the rights of your minority friends. You elected him – now, hold him to, at the minimum, basic standards of human decency, to genuinely make this country great. I don’t care why you voted for him – it simply does not matter.
So, I went to have lunch with my dad for Father’s Day on Saturday. When I introduced the idea of my new boyfriend (Diplomat), he asked me this: “Aren’t you afraid of hurting someone?”. My immediate answer was “no, because I know that we have open knowledge and consent”. But it’s been rolling around in my head for awhile, so I thought I’d write a letter to him, explaining my answer in a bit more detail. Here it is (and yes, I’m sending it via snail mail):
20 June 2016
So, I’ve been reconsidering the question you asked me on Saturday – whether I was/am afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings, when I was talking about my boyfriend (the new one). The best answer is really a combination of yes and no.
Yes, I am concerned, as I often am, of hurting someone. But here’s the thing: I don’t go into relationships all willy-nilly. Behind that “boyfriend” is a lot of work. On his side, I maintain open and honest communication with his spouse and other partners – I know that if anything comes up for them that they will talk to me about it and that they are all mature enough adults to be able to process their feelings in healthy ways. I will not date anyone for whom this is not the case. Period.
As for [Trydaen], as I’m sure you wonder about, we have four and a half years of thorough communication and consideration. We have had many conversations about how we want our relationship to work. What he wants to know about my outside relationships and what doesn’t matter to him. I’ve spent enough time with him to know that I can trust him to communicate what he wants and needs out of a relationship with me.
He is not pursuing other relationships at this point in time due to being too busy. And that’s his call. As he understands that I am choosing to do so. [Trydaen] and the new guy ([Diplomat]) have met and seem, as far as I can tell from the outside, to get along just fine. I trust both of them sufficiently to communicate with each other if anything needs to be talked about.
So, the TL;DR (as they say on the internet these days) is this: Yes, I am concerned, but no, I know that there is enough space for open and honest communication between all parties involved that enthusiastic consent is given and received by all.
[My first initial]
So, yeah. I’m a bit nervous about sending that off, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I want him to understand that this is done out of love, rather than callousness.