Tag Archives: love

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Love Languages – Nature v. Nurture

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It is hard to distinguish which of my love languages (and in what proportion) are actually mine. Actually are me, rather than how I was raised. The primary one is easy – touch – because it does not appear anywhere else in my family.

My mom’s side of the family is big on hugs hello and goodbye (and because of their long time integration with my dad’s side of the family, my dad’s side has become accepting of this as love), but my mom’s primary receiving and giving love language is clearly quality time. Which as a non-neurotypical kid, this was hard to grasp. What is “quality”? How much time is sufficient to count? What makes her happy in this regard has been what I have focused on as an adult. And this seems to be sufficient to count, for her.

My dad’s side of the family does not do the touch thing. I cannot speak with any degree of accuracy about my dad’s siblings, nor my grandparents on that side, but my dad primarily gives acts of service. So, even though it is not my primary (or even secondary) giving or receiving language, I know what it looks like, and I recognize it when I see it. I see the intent, even if it does not easily register in my personal psyche as given “love”. Which is weird, because when I give love, it is definitely the secondary way in which I give it, because I am a caretaker. I cook, I bake, I do dishes, I drive when needed, I fetch things, I feed the cat. It is odd, at least to me, to give a language in a way that receiving it feels very different.

My secondary love language when it comes to receiving is words of affirmation. None of my current partners are good at this. Moss is fairly good at this, although his primary love language is very distinctly acts of service. It is a pain that none of my partners, nor most of my family, can give to me in one of the languages that feels the most natural to me to receive. Words matter to me, and I want those words backed up with actions, however the combination rings most sincere to me.

The best, from a distance, is well-placed/times/combinations of words of affirmation, combined with promises of good/great touch. Tell me what you want to do with me physically (even in a completely platonic sense) and what doing that specifically with me will mean for you and for our relationship and I am fucking sold. In the right mood and mindset, this is why dirty talk really does it for me – it is the combination of words, with the thought of good touch. Very delightful.

The best way for me to know I am loved (from a distance) is to be told (some of that is trauma-informed and I do not know how much, yet). It is the easiest, even from close up. But hug me or cuddle me close, and tell me how much I matter to you? That, that is the bomb.com.

How can I love you best?

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Honest, lovable, and painful

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Yesterday Moss and I had a talk scheduled. I knew there was a good chance it would end in a break, but I had to be optimistic (because I wasn’t sure how I could get through my work day otherwise). We got together after we both got off work and wandered around a local park together. Then we stood and talked. He said that he couldn’t bear to drag me around while he figures out how he wants to deal with his pain and depression, and awfully abusive/stressful work situation. That it isn’t about how he feels about me because that hasn’t changed. That I was asking for reasonable things that he just didn’t have the ability to deliver on at this point in time.  That I deserve better than how things have been going.

So we talked a lot (at the park, at a local community garden, and for a little time back at my place) to try to figure out shit, to reaffirm our feelings for each other, to reaffirm what is true for us. Cuddled and held each other. Tried to figure out what was still on the table for any kind of relationship moving forward (at this point, sex, love, cuddling and affection, just not that kind of commitment).  I’m honestly more than a bit proud of him for taking care of himself, though I am worried about his depression.

I think he’s having some issues seeing past the depression, guilt, stress, grief for the long-term relationship he lost and the dreams he had for that.  Grief that was never really dealt with in a healing way.  I also feel a bit guilty for knowing that it’s possible/likely that I’m not going to be the only one swept up in this – Eve may be as well – because it’s not a matter of it being me that’s the problem, it’s the idea of commitment to a very uncertain future that’s the problem.

Commitment.  An odd theme recently in my life.  Painfully so.

I’m really at a loss here. Usually when relationships end for me, I had reached the point that I had stopped planning ahead for the relationship. That’s usually one of the biggest signs for me that things are going to end soon. But here… here I hadn’t.  I had plans and dreams, even if they may have seemed a bit far-fledged with the distance we’ve had between us recently. So I’m mourning that which may never be. The tiny and the grand plans.

I don’t want the new spark – I wish I did.  I want this relationship.  With its flaws and triumphs, sorrows and joys – for better or for worse.  I wanted the chance to see him heal and grow from inside a partnership, because I know how beautiful it can be.  But I don’t want someone I love to hurt, so if I have to watch the growth from a few steps back, then there I’ll be.  Even if I want more than is possible at this point in time, even if I’ll probably always want more – this is my chance to move past what I want (in the way of a relationship with him), and to be a supportive, caring, loving friend.  Maybe it’ll happen again.  Maybe the timing will be closer to right at some point (and I plan on being around if it ever is).  But I can’t build my life on maybes, waiting around for him to want me in his life again in that way.  What I can do is to be what I can be for him, for no other reason than because it’s the right thing to do.

I love you babe, truly and deeply.  And I always will.  And if you ever want to run away with me (even if just for a short time), you know where to find me.

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What Is Love?

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(Baby don’t hurt me, no more. There I did the song thing, now I can get it out of my head.)

One of my favorite bloggers has recently been posting on what love means to them (here and here), which got me to thinking. What is love to me?

For me, it depends on the context of that question. I may have a million reasons to love someone in a given moment: the gift they’ve given me, the conversation we’ve had, great sex, emotional bonding moments, amazing cuddling, that look in their eye or in their smile, something that reminds me of a moment we’ve had together that was meaningful to me, etc. But I do try to be careful about saying it for the first time to someone, because it has baggage in our culture.

The love threshold for me is this: Do I want to take on the challenges that come up in the context of our relationship? Do I have space (or can/do I want to make space) for those challenges in my heart? And when I know for certain that the answers to both those questions in unequivocally and enthusiastically “yes”, then I know I’m ready to say that to them.

The great thing about this? It applies equally well for platonic, sexual, romantic, intellectual, and familial love.

I’ve heard arguments that you can’t really know you love a person until you have a fight with them. Which I think is far too specific. I think that simply any challenge that causes an emotional reaction, whether that be annoyance, anger, or sadness, will do just fine (and possibly other emotions as well – I haven’t dived very deeply into that, so I don’t want to speak without knowledge). Moss and I were talking a bit ago, before I had the chance to think about this all, and I mentioned that we’ve never had a fight (which we still haven’t) and how some people use that as a gauge of whether you’re in love. His response was that we’ve had a lot of hard discussions, which is definitely very true. Do I love him? Without a doubt.

When I tell someone I love them, I am telling them that I agree, in that moment, to take on whatever challenges may come and that I will tell them if I don’t think I can, whether that be just for a specific instance, or as a general statement. And this is actually what I ask myself each day – do I think I can take on the challenges for each of my relationships, no matter what comes? And if I don’t have the tools to deal with them in the moment that they come up in, can/will I seek them from within myself, a friend, a partner, or my therapist? And can I honestly admit to myself and to the other person when a challenge is beyond what I can handle, without making it seem like they have any obligation to handle it for me?

This also explains for me why my love for Minx exists in the present tense. The challenge that came and comes for me is/was dealing with her death. That was the final challenge in our relationship. And it took me a long time to realize that I did not have the tools to deal with it, but a therapist and pharmacology might. So I sought those out. And that, combined with a supportive network of friends and the love of Trydaen, is how I got where I am today. Every day I wake up and I try to face the challenge of grief and depression that came with that sudden end. And, 99 times out of 100, I am successful on my own. The rest of the time, I ask for help.

So, to my partners, to my chosen family, to my close friends, and to at least the immediate members of my family of origin – I love you.

(But that song is still stuck in my head. Curses)

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So far out…

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My dear Minx,

Each day I creep closer and closer to the day where none of the cells in my body will have ever known you.  For some reason that seems significant to me.  Already it is hard for me to remember the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand, and the smell of your skin.  I remember your face, because of all the pictures that I still look at every once in awhile.  I remember the scar around your waist.  I remember your sweetness.

I am far enough out that there is not enough information for me to assume what you would have thought of my life as it is now.  But, it is your death that forced me to change, forced me to examine what I found important, forced me to look into the void and deal with what that meant to me.  I do no longer see it as entirely a negative thing – if you were alive, then I would not wish you dead just for the sake of my own growth – but more as something that gave the me I am now space to come out and spread their wings.

I am happy these days.  I have found love in a few places that I never thought imaginable.  Deep, sweet love.  Love of a depth and breadth I hadn’t ever imagined before.  I wish you could meet them, see what joy they bring into my life, witness the magnitude of the love in my life.  But, my dear sweet Minx, that will never happen.  So I guess I will have to settle for luxuriating in that love, washing my dears with my tears of extraordinary joy, and reflecting it back, whenever I can.  My loves have challenged me and I have grown, grown beyond the extent that I did because of grief.  I love who I have become.  I love the person I get to be with my partners.

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Update

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So, as you may have noticed, I haven’t written in awhile. It’s not that I haven’t come up with a million awesome ideas for posts, including some awesome ones bragging about the cool people that I know and/or love, but I have been out doing things, doing people, doing work of all sorts. And clearly, not writing.

Depression hit. I struck back by starting light therapy in the mornings and getting more regular about taking Vitamin D. It seems to have died down quite a bit. My anxiety levels are still a bit higher than normal, but depression has mostly abated, giving me some more summer time to make connections and socialize before it gets bad. If it gets bad…. It feels fairly mild this year, honestly. We’ll see, come November through January.

Bit #1

Moss and I had a really tough conversation on this last Monday. I had hyped myself up to catastrophization levels and was sure we were done for. I even talked to my therapist about it pretty extensively – her two big remarks were to be ready to let go of the relationship if my boundaries couldn’t be met (I’m not sure I was, which is what I told him when he asked if I had been) and to talk about the difference between something being urgent and something being important. I talked to him briefly that weekend to nail down plans and asked if I had anything to worry about in regards to the conversation – no, no agenda.

We had a lovely picnic in the Arboretum by the water, first in the sun, then in the shade. We settled into our normal conversational cadence – smooth, easy, flowing, no pressure. Then we talked about the situation at hand, about what our needs were, what we wanted going forward. And my fears were eased – no, no break-up. In fact, I think we came out of the whole situation more solid than we’ve been for a month or so.

I had the overwhelming feeling I do sometimes, when I can’t hold a thought or a feeling back – that it is overwhelming my mouth and I can’t but speak its name and nature. And so I did – I told him that I loved him. In the five seconds that followed my brain did an amazing thing – Anxiety hyped me up “What if he doesn’t love me, what if that makes or breaks things, what if it is too big a feeling to handle?”, but Reason stepped in and said “So what? You’ll figure it out with him, you’ll communicate about it, everything will be fine”. And everything was fine. Everything was more than fine. And yes, not going to keep you in suspense – the feeling was very mutual.

So far things have been going well enough with Eve on his end, even after talking with her about the situation and what he and I had talked about together. It gives me great hope!

Bit #2

So, I’ve been trying the casual dating thing with a few people, each of which has been going very differently, but each has some continuing potential. In order of first dates:

#1: He’s super fun to talk about politics and the local poly community with. Decent kisser. Some sexual chemistry, but unsure where I want to go with that. Even if we just ended up as friends (maybe as friends who fuck? I don’t know where this is going, really), that would be a good thing.

#2: We knew each other through a local lunch group that I organized awhile back, so we’ve had opportunities to chat before. Quiet, but worth the listening to. He’s a bit hard for me to read, so I’m not 100% sure of the level of mutual interest, but he seems to keep wanting to see me and he spoke well of me to Lola at an event they both attended. Even if it only ends up being a friends who go out to things thing, it would be fun.

#3: We’ve known each other for a couple years, but yeah, life can be complicated, especially when it comes to poly. I always thought he was cute and enjoyed when I’d see him at events. He is actually one of the cutest poly stories I have – we were in the hot tub at a party together and we had been talking for a bit, flirting for a bit, and he leans over to whisper in my ear that he would really like to kiss me right then, but things were too complicated at the moment. A couple years later, let me tell you – that kiss was fabulous, if a bit delayed. Also, I was thinking about this later, but he’s the first person I’ve fucked on the first date (not counting people I fucked before the first date and people for whom there was never a date). So yeah… fun stuff. I will be glad to see where this goes.

Each of these has at least had second dates and has a third scheduled.

Bit #3

Inspired by my therapist I’ve been turning over in my head if I want to try to actually get a travelling notary public business off the ground. At my last session/my first session in awhile she had asked me about my work stuff and had suggested marketing my skills, as a paralegal and my notary public license, to GRSM (Gender, Relationship, and Sexual Minority) people, particularly the LGBTQ community, as having someone who is one of them around could be a big mark in my favor.

I would have to do a few things to even have a chance of getting it off the ground – stop procrastinating on getting my notary stamp/seal, look into getting a business license, get a phone number independent of my personal cell number, set up a separate email address and basic website, set up bank account stuff, and I am absolutely sure I am missing something – but I looked at the market in my area and it seems like there is space for more notaries before the saturation point is reached.

There is plenty of space for expanding services in different directions once I get stuff off the ground, but this seems like a possible and doable thing for me.

Bit #4

Things seem to have stabilized on the gender front, a bit – it tends to be fluid, but a lot of the time my gender ends up manifesting as, “Do I really have to pick a gender?” or as “Not today, thank you” or something ridiculous, like “fuck your binary gendered”. I am getting a bit more finicky about having people use my correct pronouns and am starting to go on mini-tirades in my head when I am in a situation where I am forced to pick one (bathrooms being my most common example). But yeah, I think this, like everything else about me, is going to remain fluid.

Bit #5

The woman who took care of me from basically birth to kindergarten and occasionally after, is dying of cancer. She probably doesn’t have much longer. The common impression seems to be that we’re talking maybe double digit weeks, if not a few months, but soon. On Sunday there was a party in her honor held at the home/complex she’s living at – a “celebration of life” thing. So I drove about an hour and a half to get to see her, probably for the last time. It amazed me how small and frail she looked, like I could almost break her, but her mind and sense of humor were still as sharp as a tack.

The whole event gave me some perspective on how far life has taken me away from my early days. Her son, who is somewhere around a decade older than me always seemed so tall to me when I was a kid (and looking at the old pictures). But he is actually around my height, probably an inch or so shorter (and I am 5′ 3.5″), It left me wondering how much of who I am is because of this woman, and losing that will be a blow.

I’m still doing a fair amount of processing on this and probably will be, off and on, for awhile. But that’s what I have for now.

So yeah. I will try to write more often, but because we’re heading into winter I can’t exactly promise that.

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For Whom Is the Sea?

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For whom are we allowed to mourn,
To wet our faces and be forlorn?
Is it law alone to have that bond,
Or be also by extension fond?
Are friends and lovers to be set out,
Apart from the saddened devout?
We grasp some memory's last straw,
About one caught in death's true final awe.
Set adrift on some grey and forlorn sea,
Please recognize among the crying be,
Some people whom you cannot see.

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Words of Affirmation

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So I recently retook the 5 Love Languages test (I like to, semi-regularly) and got these as my results: 
9 Physical Touch
8 Words of Affirmation
7 Acts of Service
6 Quality Time
0 Receiving Gifts

None of which was a surprise. In previous years Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch have flip-flopped, but I think some of that does depend on what relationships I’m in at the time. Other than Receiving Gifts (is nice, but doesn’t really make me feel loved), they have always been tightly clustered. I think some of that is because they don’t differentiate between giving and receiving Love Languages and mine are somewhat different.

I give a lot of lip service to Physical Touch as one of my main love languages, but don’t really talk much about Words of Affirmation. Partially because the fact that that is up there on the list makes me feel needy and dependent on people – I need you to affirm me – with the hidden subtext being that I can’t affirm myself. Which, frankly, is bullshit.  I am a solid enough rock on my own – I built myself back up after I fell apart when Minx died and gathered a lot of tools to keep doing so along the way.  I can do me just fine.

The truth is, I need to hear it from others. I need to hear that the people I am with appreciate me, appreciate the work I put into our relationship (whatever its nature), find me worth spending time with, love me, and find me attractive (if that’s appropriate for the nature of our relationship). I can’t live with just assuming it – I need to hear the person say it.

I used to, and to a certain extent still do, have issues asking for these kinds of things, because it feels like I am putting words in their mouth and that’s the last thing I want – I want genuine expressions. The one way I’ve gotten around this is asking for affirmations in general – tell me I’m pretty, tell me what you like about me, tell me what you like about my brain, tell me why you love me – and most of the time that works.

I love words. I love the way words feel and sound in my mouth and to my ears, so hearing the good that people I care about think of me instead of having to assume it is very affirming and heart strengthening.

With Trydaen, I was very explicit in the beginning of things – if you love me, please tell me that you love me as often as you feel it – and that has worked really well. Sometimes it does feel rote, but I know that he will not lie to me (too much effort and no real reason to do so), and sometimes he will not say it when I tell him that I love him, and I’m ok with that. I trust him to be genuine.

The tricky part with this is that I am not always super great at giving Words of Affirmation as a love language. I think this is partially due to not knowing when an appropriate time to say these kind of things is and a fear of looking awkward if it is an inappropriate time or situation. Or saying something that seems rote, because I say it often.

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More Than Two 4.5

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What makes me feel cherished, loved and secure?

In no particular order:

Having regular scheduled get togethers with my partners (the more entangled/involved the relationship, the more likely I am to want this to actually be on a given day that is ours.  With my more casual partner, we just see each other when we can, with the understanding that we want to keep doing that, but we’re both fairly busy people.)

Random touch – reach for me when we’re out walking,  give me a hug, cuddle up next to me on the couch, put your head in my lap

Random communication – reach out to me when you’re thinking about me, even if it’s just to check in or share something that you think I would like.

Occasional gifts – whether it be a physical object, time, or service, just giving of yourself to me occasionally makes me feel really loved and cherished

Active/communicative listening – when I say something or share a story, a problem, or a bit of advice, acknowledging that (even if it isn’t anything you’re interested in).  I’m not asking for right away, just at some point.

Tiny celebrations – celebrating the little anniversaries, the little victories in life with me makes me feel like I am important to you

Integration – The one thing that makes me feel the most secure in my relationships is working towards integrating me and our relationship into your everyday life.  There are a number of forms this could take: introducing me to your other partners, introducing me to your friends, taking me to events that matter to you, introducing me to your partners, inviting me to events with my partners, including me in pictures that you keep around, you spending time in my living space and you spending time in mine, opening up lines of communication for me (if/when needed – not a matter of depending on that in the long-term, just mostly as an introductory measure), and spending time with our cule as a group, just as examples.

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More Than Two 4.1

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Why do I have romantic relationships? What do I get out of them?

I have romantic relationships to fulfil my desire for romance.  More, I have them because romantic relationships tend to have an emotional intimacy that I crave.  Not to say that I don’t get emotional intimacy from non-romantic relationships – I have, and I do.  But in this case I have someone to build a story with, to build something with.

I have a certain metaphor that I like to use that explains a lot of how I view love.  I’ll give a short(ish) synopsis.

Love As A Home

When I start a relationship with someone we start building a metaphorical house together, starting with the foundations – what do we want our relationship to be, at the moment or moments we start it?  What concepts resonate with us so much that we want to incorporate them into our relationship?  Where do we have space to grow, in the context of the relationship?

Once we have this laid out (no matter if it changes, just the initial layout) we can start building.  

Do we want to have a sexual relationship of some sort?  We build one room for that.  

Do we want to do kink together?  If so, what kind, in what roles, etc.?  We build a room for that.

Do we want to go out on dates?  If so, how often do we have space for? We build a room for that.

Do we want to spend time just cuddling?  We build a room for that.

Do we want to travel together?  We build a room for that (maybe on wheels?).

Do we want to give each other big hugs?  Room for that.

Do we want to nerd out about Doctor Who, music, politics, cats, whatever?  Room for that.

And so on, and so forth.  For each thing, we build rooms.  If we agree that it is a big thing to both of us, we build a big room.  If it’s a thing that we agree that is not a big thing for us right now, we build a smaller room.  The idea being that this gives room to change and grow as the relationship changes and grows – we can remodel and resize rooms as we see fit.  It encourages purposeful communication – do we agree on these things?  Do we agree on what size we want the room to be?

If we don’t agree, then what can we build that may work for now?  Because we can revisit it until we find consensus, or find a space that works for the both of us, even if it isn’t ideal for either.

Also, my house with someone doesn’t interfere with their houses with other people.  We have our own space to develop our homes and they will all look different and will all be unique (because all relationships are).

In long term relationships, like with older houses, we need to be sure to keep up “maintenance”.  We need to keep having these conversations, keep up with each other as things change in our lives.  We can’t just let it go, and hope for the best for too long.

End

The main point being – I love building these houses with people.  I like the romance rooms.  That’s why I have romantic relationships.

To clarify – this metaphor does not just apply to romantic relationship, even though that is the context that I developed this metaphor from, back when I didn’t have a great idea how to contextualize my non-romantic but still meaningful relationships.  I do want to come back to this idea of non-romantic houses, but this post is already quite long, so I’m going to leave it be for now.

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Tarot Card Spread

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I’ve had this deck of cards for awhile and I finally came across the best chance to do my first past/present/future setup this morning – I thought about this birthday weekend with my polycule, about each one of them individually, what they bring to my life, what I value about having them in my life, and about our current relationship and the possible trajectories – then set out three stacks and drew a single card from each of them.


Past: The Master.  “The Master in Zen is not a master over others, but a master of himself.  His every gesture and his every word reflect his enlightened state.  He has no private goals, no desire that anything should be other than the way it is….In his eyes they find their own truth reflected, and in his silence they fall more easily into the silence of their own beings….  Together they create an energy field that supports each individual in finding [their] own light.”

Each of came to each other, to this weekend, with our own past, our own efforts to improve ourselves, our own inner and outer relationships.  We have been working on building relationships with each other, with building our group as a whole, building a space that we can each find ourselves with the help of others

Present: Ripeness (9 of Rainbows). “When this card appears in a reading it indicates that you are ready to share your inner riches, your ‘juice’.  All you need to do is relax right where you are, and be willing for it to happen.  This sharing our yourself, this expression of your creativity, can come in many ways….  No special preparation or effort on your part is required.  It is simply the right time.”

I am actually quite glad this showed up and where it showed up.  It means that it is time for me to grow myself, to grow and evolve my relationships (romantic, familial, and platonic) in amazing ways – I think this has been in the works for awhile, but I think I agree that now is the time.  I think it is also awesome because I have been growing my efforts to read, write, and learn code for awhile and I like the idea of this all coming to fruition.

Future: Totality (5 of Fire). “We may feel that there are too many things to do at once, but get bogged down in trying to do a bit here, a bit there, instead of taking one task at a time and getting on with it.  Or perhaps we think our task is ‘boring’ because we’ve forgotten that it’s not what you do but how you do it that matters.  Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.  Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step your complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all you do.”  “When you are not total, whenever you are in the head – thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever – you are not total.  Slowly, slowly slip out of those moments.  It is just an old habit.  Habits die hard.  But they die certainly – if one persists, they die.”
This coming after the Present gives a great bit of caution as well as some optimism.  The caution: to not try to build and grow everything in the second section all at the same time – to give myself time and space to do so with each person and not try to push things to go too far.  The optimism – this feels like my meditation and yoga may be paying off in reducing my stresses in relationships with people in the future and build upon what we already have, may be helping me continuing into the future in seeking peace, within myself and with other people.