Tag Archives: needs

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More Than Two 2.1

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What are my needs in relationships? Are they attached to specific people? That is, do I need these things generally, or do I need them just from certain people?

In all relationships I need:

  1. Affection.  Touch and words showing me that you care about me, even if just in a sexual/romantic/kinky/familial/platonic (or whatever combination) way.
  2. Communication.  I need you to talk to me and I need to be able to talk to you.  This does not mean constant conversation, just that there is a line there if something comes up, or either of us is just looking to reinforce our connection.
  3. Intellectual challenge/stimulation.  I don’t mean that I need you to be a genius or constantly challenge my intellect.  In fact, I might even say that I would prefer that that isn’t the case, because that can be exhausting and I might start feeling stupid after awhile (and that feels like crap).  I just need someone who is passionate about something and is willing to share their knowledge about it.  I enjoy situations in which I am forced to expand what I know or what I think in order to grow and thrive.  But I also need you to respect my intelligence.
  4. Time together.  How much and what kind does depend on the nature of the relationship we have, but I find it very hard to sustain a relationship without having time together.  Time alone together is easiest and best, but sometimes can be hard to do for a number of reasons.
  5. Space.  I am an introvert and a highly sensitive person.  As much as I may care about someone, I need space to be me and to do my internal processing without interference.

For romantic relationships I also need:

  1. Confirmation that you love me, at least semi-regularly (if we have reached that point in the relationship).
  2. Time alone together.
  3. Affectionate touch.  Show me that you still want me in your life, that you still value my physical presence.  Bonus if it is in public or when we are out with a group of friends.

For sexual (not necessarily kink – slightly separate categories for me) relationships I also need:

  1. Respect for my sexual boundaries.  If I say no, it means no, not convince me.  However, I tend to prefer to offer alternatives on top of nos.
  2. Communication about safer sex practices.  I need to know what goes on in that regard so I can offer informed consent to however we decide to fuck.
  3. Respect for my kinks.  Even if they are not your kinks and our sex will probably be vanilla or some variation thereof, I need to know that you don’t think less of me because of what I like.

Anything that tends to be attached to a particularly person is usually more of a want than a need, or is only a need that comes up because of how that particularly person is or does something.  In those cases, boundaries tend to be an effective way of communicating this.

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More Than Two 1.7

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If I am already in a relationship, does my desire for others come from my dissatisfaction or unhappiness with my current relationship? If I were in a relationship that met my needs, would I still want multiple partners?

This is a bit more complicated to answer from the perspective of someone who is already in multiple relationships and for whom the chronologically first of those (the oldest relationship) was polyamorous to begin with.  I dislike the assumption of a dyad opening up for everyone’s first poly experiences.  Yes, it is common, but not all of us experience that.

Plus, the assumption that people only get into relationships to meet needs feels a bit transactional to me.

So I’m going to answer this from a couple different perspectives.  The first being when I was just, from the start, with Trydaen (though I’m not sure those answers won’t be partially hypothetical, due to the difference in situation).  The second being currently.

First: No, it does not come from there.  No relationship will ever completely meet my needs by itself – I realized that a long time ago.  Any new person brings new perspective and new light into my life that I could not have had before, possibly revealing new needs/wants/desires.

Second: My desire for (hypothetical) others currently is mostly out of an enrichment perspective – I am rather happy with my current relationships.  The limited seeking I do outside of those is to expand my social groups.  If I was dissatisfied or unhappy with any of them, I would prefer to talk to them first to see what can be done to alleviate that, not seek an outside relationship to replace or augment my situation.  I choose to have multiple partners (the three that I do have and the other relationships that have value for me) because I value what they bring to my existence – each brings something different than the other – and because I like what we have going, in whatever form it is going.

Yes, meeting my needs is important, and I like that my partners definitely do meet some of them, but it is not why I choose them.