I have never been sure whether poly is an intrinsic thing to me – that I could not ever live well without it – or merely something I have chosen that continues to resonate well for me. I’ve been doing it for about 7 years now (non-monogamy for about 10) and I’m still not sure. At this point I’m not even sure if it matters – I will not go back to being monogamous.
But, for a taste of a different time…
Minx died three years ago, early in the morning on August 4th. I wasn’t seeing anyone other than Tryden at the time.
I spent more than two years out of the dating world. Almost out of the poly world. I spent that time trying to figure out what to do with myself – what do you do when a love of your life dies suddenly? How do you put yourself back together?
I tried by myself for about a year – tried to logic myself out of depression, out of grief. And that was, to a small extent, that worked. But I needed help, so I got a therapist, who gave me the tools to help myself out.
The one thing I couldn’t shake – that I wouldn’t be able to fall in love again, hence I could never truly be polyamorous again. And that crushed me. How could I live without something that had made me feel so whole, so alive? What could I be?
The reassurance that, even if I only ever had one partner for the rest of my life, I would still be poly because that’s how I felt deep inside, was little comfort. I started doubting myself – who am I without this? What happens if/when Tryden decides that he has had too much of my mopey, sad, self-pitying self and decides to leave me? What would I do then?
So, with these questions lingering in my head, I decided that, whether love was going to happen or not, I wanted to spend time with my friends, and actually start to live again. So I put myself back out there, socializing, going to events, meeting new people.
Not long after, I met (and hooked up with) Gray Sky. And not long after that, I found something happening that I didn’t expect – I was falling in love with him. So I told him, he told me back, and for a couple months everything was fine. Then it wasn’t, and we split (well, he broke up with me).
But, if I learned nothing else from that relationship (which isn’t true), then I learned that I could love again. And that was one of the greatest gifts of all.
That break up, broke my heart. As they tend to do. But, after a few months, I decided to put myself back out there again, since that worked so well the last time. I went out to a poly round-up in my area in March, the day before my birthday, to meet people, to socialize – then, when I needed it, there was a place to spend with other introverts, other social exhausted people.
And there I met Diplomat. We spent some significant time talking about politics, life, and Shakespeare. I enjoyed his company, but didn’t think it would pan out to be anything more than fantastic conversation – which was fine.
But…yeah. Not just fantastic conversation, but so much more. And he helped me remember why I chose polyamory, why I chose to love over and over again.
So, I am back. Back where I was more than three years ago, older and wiser. And so much in love – with Tryden, with Diplomat – in a different sense, with Lola – and with polyamory. <83