Tag Archives: relationships

0

More Than Two 4.2

|

What do I consider essential, indispensable elements of a relationship?

Trust: I need to be able to depend on you to follow through with your words and actions.  I need to know that I can count on you.

Honesty: I need you to tell me the truth.  Sometimes even if you think it will hurt me.  I am not made of china – the only way I can improve myself is to know what I can improve.  This doesn’t mean you have to be mean about it – diplomacy is a valuable skill.

Communication:  I need to know that you will communicate with me about things that come up.  If our plans need to change, if there is a boundary somewhere that has come up, if you don’t want to do something with me, if you’re having a feeling about something and want my help addressing it, I want to know so we can work it out together.

Emotional Labor:  I need to know that I can ask you to take on some things that I can’t handle, for whatever reason.  This doesn’t mean I need you to take on all of my emotional burdens or some of them all of the time – I have a therapist I can talk to things about and I have mechanisms in my own brain for dealing with my emotions.

Desire for Personal Growth:  I need to know that you are working to deal with your own issues and not just letting them stagnate until they become capital P Problems.  I will most certainly help, if you would like help with them or would like someone to run an idea by.  But I cannot and will not do your growth for you.

Affection: I need you to want my company or communication every once in awhile.  I want you to look fondly on me and speak kindly of me.  This tends to grow over time, so I don’t expect it from the get go.

Acknowledgement:  I need to know that I matter to you, that I have a place in your life.  I prefer that I am acknowledged to those people who matter in your life.  I will not be a dirty little secret.  I’ve been there before.  This is not something I can do.

0

More Than Two 3.0

|

(Chapter 3 questions are all asked in the context of ones to ask to evaluate whether your choices are ethical.)
Have I disclosed all relevant information to everyone affected by my decision?
Have I sought input from everyone affected? Have I obtained their consent where my decision overlaps their personal boundaries?
Does my decision impose obligations or expectations on others without their input or consent?
Am I seeking to have my needs met at the expense of the well-being of others?
Am I imposing consequences that will make others feel unsafe saying no to me?
Am I offering others the same consideration I expect from them?

Because these questions all are supposed to pertain to a specific act or choice, I don’t think that taking them on individually is going to yield anything that makes any sense as a post. So, I’m going to tackle these as a part of being ethical in one post, then move on to the next chapter.

I prefer to err on the side of receiving too much information – I can filter information in my head, go through what I receive, apply what needs to be applied and store the rest away for storage, or simply integrate it as part of my story with that person or people. But I understand that not everyone is that way. So I try to ask, to figure out what people are comfortable knowing. Then try to make my decisions on what to disclose based on what I know about their comfort levels, or what they have asked to know.

Now, this is not to say that this process always works smoothly. Heck, sometimes I think that figuring out who needs to know what is one of the more technically challenging aspects of polyamory, epsecially when you get into groups with larger numbers.

On an individual level, one of my challenges is drawing the line between “want to know” and “need to know”, especially as some things don’t quite fall into “need to know”, but fall into a higher degree of “want to know” – something that I feel is important for me to know, but perhaps not life-alteringly crucial. Having conversations with my partners about what falls into each category, especially if our definitions don’t quite line up, can be emotionally difficult.

What I want to know generally falls in the category of things like: did you enjoy the date you had with X/what did you do on your date with X?, do you want a or z for dinner?, when you have family in town, what kind of cord do you need for your phone charger?, etc. They are things that aren’t crucial, but are nice to know, so I can do what I can to make things smoother, so I can make accomodations.

The middle category can be tricky to navigate – these are the things that if I find out about them from someone outside our relationship, I’m likely to be upset that I wasn’t told by my partner, which can lead to resentment on my part. Part of that navigation for me is remembering two things: 1. Second hand information is not always reliable, and 2. People forget to say things – information is not always omitted on purpose. But another part is communicating what I feel fits in each category, but sometimes this just happens as it comes up (because I forgot that it was a thing that mattered or because it was a thing I didn’t know mattered, until it came up). I try to tread carefully with regards to this category: what fits here for me, may fit into one of the other categories for someone else.

What I need to know are things that (potentially) affect your health, my health, or our relationship. These are things like: allergies/intolerances, outbreaks, major injuries, medications/drugs that affect how you think/act (the need is mostly to know that this is a thing, rather than what in particular, in most cases), sexual health practices (which includes when sex happens for the first time with new partners, STI test results/regular testing, and safer sex practices), what is in particular foods (to avoid allergens/intolerances), big changes in how you feel about me, schedule changes and events (if they affect when we can get together/whether we can get together), and the addition of new partners (especially regular ones). These are things that can be dealbreakers, so I tend to try to make them very clear to the people I date, preferably as early on as possible, so there’s less room for problems.

0

More Than Two 2.8

|

What happens if I connect with someone in a way that differs from how I want my poly relationship to look? What message does that send to someone who doesn’t fit neatly into my dreams?

I’m not actually sure what this question is asking, but let me take a stab at it anyways.

One of the things I have been coming to terms with recently (through therapy and in my life as it goes) is that each relationship is different and it is ok to treat that relationship differently because of that. Not to say that it is ok to treat any relationship poorly or to neglect it – simply that I will interact with each person in my life differently because the people themselves are different.

But it can be hard to see other relationships and compare, especially if you think yours comes out “worse” in the comparison. It can even be heartbreaking. I feel like this is especially true in relationships where there is some degree of entanglement, whether these be between partners, metamours, friends, or family. It can be really hard to remember than comparison can truly be the thief of joy.

0

More Than Two 2.7

|

Am I focusing on an idealized fantasy more than on making organic connections with real people?

Generally, no.

But I would be lying if I said that I haven’t fallen into this trap, focusing on the fantasy of what I’d like a particular relationship to be, rather than what it actually can be. I do engage in this kind of wishful thinking on occasion. Grounding myself on these occasions can be difficult, but I’ve found that reaching out and actually connecting with the person, asking tough questions about what can be with us, can be helpful.

With Grey Sky, I found myself falling into a fantasy: because I was ready to go out and socialize again, maybe I could find an involved relationship with someone who could give of their time as freely as Minx did. So I went into that relationship with a fantasy of what I wanted from a new partner. And like fantasies generally do, some of it came true, which usually makes it worse – the disappointments seem much more intense in light of the bits that did come to fruition. But I got a reality check after a couple months – this could not be what I wanted. Then I had to look hard at what was important for me in an emotionally involved romantic relationship – what I needed, rather than what would be nice. Eventually, I had to let the dream die completely – even the bits that had gone according to the fantasy. Because it could not be.

So, coming into my relationships with Diplomat, and then Lola, I had a better idea of what I needed, so I could relax and converse and let things flow. And they did.

I am working on integrating this into my non-romantic relationships, but there is still some work to be done.

0

More Than Two 2.6

|

When I visualize the kind of relationship I want, how much space does it leave for new partners to shape the relationship to their needs?

Some, I guess? I’m not quite sure how to answer this question.

My visualization tends to come from feeling the people out that I am interested in forming a relationship with, seeing what they are open to and what I can work with. If I think there’s enough there, I give myself some space to plan and some space to dream. If not, I try to let things fade, try to not get my hopes up.

This is why conversation about these kinds of things is important to me. It makes me feel secure in a relationship to know where I fit into things and where there is some flexibility in that.

Ideally, each relationship gets to stand on its own or fall on its own. And each of us plays our part in that.

0

More Than Two 2.4

|

If my relationship changes, is that okay?  (Rephrased: If my relationships change, is that okay?)

I don’t know.

On one level, I recognize that relationships change every day. Each word you say, every time you do or don’t do something, the relationship changes in at least a minute way. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes in a completely neutral way (though I think true neutrality in change in relationships – not a combination of better and worse in varying amounts, but actual neutrality – is not super common).

On another level – change is fucking scary. Especially for someone with my sensitivity and neurodivergence. Change is disruptive to my existence and that can throw everything off. Sometimes things need to be disrupted to become better though.

I feel like my relationships are all changing right now and it more than worries me regularly. I’m trying to find some sort of anchor of solidness, something I can hang my hat on (to mix metaphors). And I’m having some issues with that, especially because my relationship with the idea of what I want to do with my life is changing as well. Some things are finding solidness and a comfortable space – my gender identity being one of them – but more than that, I’m scared of the changes that may be coming. I’m scared of shaking up my own life, of disrupting what is comfortable.

0

More Than Two 1.7

|

If I am already in a relationship, does my desire for others come from my dissatisfaction or unhappiness with my current relationship? If I were in a relationship that met my needs, would I still want multiple partners?

This is a bit more complicated to answer from the perspective of someone who is already in multiple relationships and for whom the chronologically first of those (the oldest relationship) was polyamorous to begin with.  I dislike the assumption of a dyad opening up for everyone’s first poly experiences.  Yes, it is common, but not all of us experience that.

Plus, the assumption that people only get into relationships to meet needs feels a bit transactional to me.

So I’m going to answer this from a couple different perspectives.  The first being when I was just, from the start, with Trydaen (though I’m not sure those answers won’t be partially hypothetical, due to the difference in situation).  The second being currently.

First: No, it does not come from there.  No relationship will ever completely meet my needs by itself – I realized that a long time ago.  Any new person brings new perspective and new light into my life that I could not have had before, possibly revealing new needs/wants/desires.

Second: My desire for (hypothetical) others currently is mostly out of an enrichment perspective – I am rather happy with my current relationships.  The limited seeking I do outside of those is to expand my social groups.  If I was dissatisfied or unhappy with any of them, I would prefer to talk to them first to see what can be done to alleviate that, not seek an outside relationship to replace or augment my situation.  I choose to have multiple partners (the three that I do have and the other relationships that have value for me) because I value what they bring to my existence – each brings something different than the other – and because I like what we have going, in whatever form it is going.

Yes, meeting my needs is important, and I like that my partners definitely do meet some of them, but it is not why I choose them.

0

More Than Two 1.5

|

How important is transparency to me? If I have more than one lover, am I happy with them knowing about each other? If they have other lovers, am I happy knowing them?

Transparency is critical to me.  It is important for me to be able to share my joys and sorrows in each relationship with my partners, and that requires at least knowing the others – I do not do well with these things on my own.

I am not only happy with them knowing each other, as well as knowing them myself, but I think that this makes everything run smoother.  I don’t need people to be best friends, nor do I need to be best friends with my metamours, but having a good relationship, with lines of communication open (when wanted/needed) is solidly in the need category.

Let’s put it this way.  Currently (and this is my preferred way of doing things, TBH) my polycule is part of my chosen family and I think, for the most part, we operate like a family.  We know about each other, we talk with each other, we choose to exist in each others’ presence on occasion (actually, much more often than my bio-family).  Each individual dyadic relationship within the family – between partners and metas – is different.  Being a family doesn’t mean that we don’t ever have issues with each other, miscommunicate, or fail each other.  For me, it means that I am happy and proud to be with them and that I consider it very worthwhile to improve our relationships overall (I can’t speak for anyone else in the group).

I do believe it is important to have our own private things, as long as they don’t do any harm to anyone else.  I think that this helps keep things interesting and helps each person retain a sense of themselves as an individual in the context of their relationships (not being completely enveloped by the whole).

0

November Write 30

|

When raised with monogamy we are taught that part of why we are important in a relationship is that we are unique, that that was very important for all we do to be unique.  It’s what makes us special for our partners.  If we aren’t unique for our partners it is the end of the world – we are stuck comparing ourselves to past relationships and generally finding ourselves lacking in some regard (age, appearance, intelligence, job status, etc.).  Which, wow, that sucks.

As a poly person, dating people with other partners, that can come to the forefront.  It is often a concern with new poly people, so they put restrictions on who their partners can date because of their fear of not being unique, of not being special to their partner.  Which is really a load of hooey.

Even if you do the exact same things, look the same, went to the same college, have the same job, so on, you will never be not unique.  You have different genes, different backgrounds, different life stories – that’s what makes us unique, makes us special.  No matter how much we are the same, we will always be different people.  Part of the joy of poly is that. We get to build different relationships, to have different stories to tell, build different lives together.  And, that, that is one of the greatest joys.

I get to be a different person with each of my partners.  I get to build a new life with them.  Our relationship gets to be whatever it is going to be.  Even if I’m dating multiple people at the same time I can have very different relationships with them, can choose different labels, have different kinds of sex, go to different kinds of events, express my affection for them differently.

Comparison can become much more complicated if you know the other people involved, especially if you’re on good terms with them.  When on good terms metas become full people, with fabulously different lives and stories.  Yes, it is likely that you will share some things in common with your metas – people tend to have types of people they’re attracted to, whether that be physical, mental, emotional, or sexual types.  So yeah, you will likely have something in common with your metas.  Nothing wrong with that.  It can be harder than when the other person was just a hypothetical ex, someone that may or may not have actually existed – having a real person on the other end of things can make things harder.  Or easier.  Depending on how you are wired.

But love is love and the amazing part is that we get to build our own unique stories with the people we love, whether that be for months, years, or a lifetime.

0

November Write 26

|

I do not know what to write on.  I want to talk about being in love (doesn’t every lover?), but there is more feeling there than words can ever describe.  There is more depth there than we are equipped to handle, I think.  For being just a cascade of hormones that seeks to bond human beings for the purpose of propagating the species, it sure is a potent thing.  But, above all that, it is a choice.

I’m not saying we actively choose to fall in love or not fall in love with someone.  If that were the case, oh, life may be far easier then.  But we choose the path that gets us there.

Yes, there is some control that we don’t have.  We don’t choose who we find sexually attractive.  We don’t choose those for whom we get that intense rush of bonding chemicals for or what degree we get them with any given person.

We do choose to go to that party or respond to that message.  We choose to engage with someone, to talk, to message, to touch.  We may not choose who that hormone cascade happens for – that surge of attraction (sexual, romantic, intellectual, physical, emotional) – but we choose what we do about it.  We can choose to form meaningful relationships even without the surge of mating chemicals, even sexual and romantic relationships.  We choose our engagements with people.  We choose what we say.  We choose what promises we make.  We choose what physical activities we pursue with people, what sexual activities we pursue with people, what intellectual activities we pursue with people.

We build relationships with our choices.  We build love with our choices.