NaNoWriMo 1 – Weight

Or should I call it NaBloWriMo?  That would be more accurate, really.  But thus starts my third(?) year of blogging every day of November, as somehow today is November 1st.

So, it has become a complicated thing to explain why I have lost weight and why I eat the way I do.  Not a lot of people can understand my ambivalence very well.  The situation is odd enough, so I can understand why:

Yes, I lost somewhere between 15-20 pounds in the space of the last year.

It was due to finally getting on ADHD meds, which, at least the stimulant ones that work best for me, have an appetite suppressant effect.

No, I didn’t mean to lose the weight.  It was not on purpose.

Not all weight loss is good weight loss, even for someone who wants to lose weight.  This was not good weight loss for me, despite it being at a slow pace.

I had to spend a lot of money, that I didn’t have, to buy new clothes, new bras, new pants, because nothing fit anymore.

It was not good for me – I wanted to have some control over it, and I felt like my body was not anywhere near under my control.

So, in February of this year, prompted by Diplomat’s keto period, I decided that I would try going low carb to see if I could bring the weight loss  to a halt.  I’d tried a couple other strategies, to no avail.

And it has.  I’ve maintained the same weight since about March, with a couple three or four pound fluctuations when I wasn’t watching things so closely.

This weight, this eating style, is maintainable for me.  It actually works.  Plus, I have actually managed to pick up a wardrobe in this size.

People compliment me and it is hard for me to say thanks.  Mostly because I don’t like the idea that I am more worthy of admiration as a human being for having lost weight, for becoming skinnier, for becoming closer to the societal ideal.  It’s super icky.


November Write 23

My brain is occupied by brain weasels.  At this point they have a permanent residence there.  I don’t know if its a side effect of anxiety or depression, but they can be kind of comforting to have there, in a weird way.  I get used to them in the winter, but this fall/winter I have decided I can face them straight on.  Look them in the face and say, like to a toddler prematurely awoken from a nap: “Go back to bed”.  I don’t think this will be easy – like a toddler, I don’t think they’ll be quick to go back to bed.  But here’s the thing – I have a great battalion behind me.  Great partners, a great chosen family, a great med management ARNP, and a lot of experience doing doing battle with the weasels.  Truth being, I don’t want them to leave – some of my personality quirks are shaped by my worries and anxieties.  Where would I be without them?  But I think they can take longer naps between appearances.