November Write 8

CW: depression, self harm

Depression lies.  It feeds self hatred and rips your self esteem into little pieces.  It makes you question everything: everything you hold dear, everything you’ve fought for, everything that you sincerely believe.  It amplifies any shred of self doubt you hold into a deafening roar inside your head.  Fighting to keep this down, keep it contained, is downright exhausting.  And sometimes a crack forms in the dam of emotions and what was contained starts to seep through – the frustration with self can show as frustration with others, the self esteem rippage as ripping on others self esteem, the pain inside literally reflected on your skin because of self-harm, and the exhaustion manifest in action you take or don’t take, and a myriad of different little things.

Medication can buoy the energy you do have, help the neurotransmitters you do have to do their job better.  But it doesn’t solve everything – it can just flatten the general curvature of depression, which, for some people, is all they need.  And, for that, I am glad.  It is a mistake though, to think that it is curative.

But, here’s my truth, for what it is worth.  Persistent love and support reinforces the container, helps bring the self back into view.  Helps wear down the lies you build for yourself in your head.  Lets a little light in through the cracks, occasionally.

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